Sunday, June 5, 2011

Second Rate

So, this is the fifth X-Men movie and somehow, we're still telling the origins of the team.  It's getting to the point now, where the question has to be asked: will we ever see these characters ever "evolve" to use a constant word used in this latest film and show new stories on screen?  Will we ever get Apocalypse and Mr. Sinister? If so, what form would they be in?  'Cause I gotta be honest with you all...after seeing this latest film, I have almost no hope for the franchise at all.

The movie starts out with the exact first scene from #1.  That's right, because we needed to see Magneto's origin...again.  Then the next scene shows Sebastian Shaw killing Magneto's Mom because Magneto wouldn't (or rather couldn't) move a coin.  Magneto kills the Nazi guards and destroys the room...but actually doesn't kill Shaw.  That's right, because if someone just murdered my Mom, the last thing I would want to do is kill him.  I would just rather destroy a bunch of stuff for now reason.

So it goes with X-Men.  There's a lot of origin stories, but nothing really happens.  There's no real fighting between the Hellfire Club and the X-Men.  There's miniature battles here and there, but nothing really sustained.  The Hellfire Club actually takes out more CIA agents then X-Men.  Then, there's the Cold War aspect of the movie.  It permeates throughout the movie.  Look, I know the Cold War was this really stressful time in people's lives when they were living at that time and there have been a number of suitable films that have covered this subject...must we go through it again?  It hasn't been covered enough?  Not only that, but what's the big thing at the end?  Humans and Mutants can't get along.  Uh-huh.  Let's see, didn't I just see 3 X-Men movies that all covered this subject?  Is there going to be another theme besides this in ANY X-Men movie? 

You know, this movie really is for people who have no idea what the X-Men mythos is.  I've read the X-Men encyclopedia, so I know all this stuff.  I'm not particularly interested in how Professor X got crippled or how Magneto got the helmet or what Mystique and Professor X's relationship was before  the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants was formed.  I don't need ANY of this explained and you know what?  I could have figured it out for myself!  It's called WIKIPEDIA!!!!  Imagine that!!!  or even better, I could have used this little thing that no one seems to use's called my IMAGINATION!!!!!!!!

Seriously, these movies are beginning to piss me off.  Nothing happens in this movie.  I mean literally, nothing happens.  There's no intrigue, no suspense, no "what's-going-to-happen-next", nothing.  The story doesn't even to seem to make much sense.  Professor X and Magento go around recruiting people for no purpose other than to put them in a room to sit around and chill.  It's just...bad.  If I wasn't a completist and wanted to keep the movies together, I would not buy this movie.  That's what I think of it.

As for the character designs, you see Emma Frost in the thigh-high boots see Beast as the actual Beast in the last 20 minutes (he's actually really cool...when he's Beast)...they put on the yellow and blue (or is it black?) suits once...Magneto shows up in his real costume at the very end.  The performances are alright, everyone tried, it's just, when you don't have great material, you can't do anything with it.  There's some surprise cameos and there's a ton of actors in this film that you'll be like "hey, I know this guy, but I can't remember his name".  Oh and don't bother waiting through the end credits for a scene at the end, there's nothing this time.

So, that's X-Men: Last Class.  I was bored, I didn't care, it's nothing interesting, it's nothing new.  I'm going to be HYPER generous with my review, only because the movie didn't actually offend me or was like Battle L.A. where I literally couldn't tell what was happened.  But it's not good and those yahoos out there who are dying for this film...gimme a break.

Rating: 2.5 out of 5.

- Stephenstein

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