Star Trek

Well, look at me. Last night, I boldly went where a lot of people have gone before. I went to the movie theatre. What did I see? Obsessed? Let me ask you something: WOULD I BE POSTING THE STAR TREK POSTER IF I WENT AND SAW OBSESSED???? No. So, that answers your first question. Your second questions is: how was it?

Well, let's see. The effects were good. Now, before we all start clapping, and sending cigars to J.J. Abrams, take note: everyone's effects are good these days. This movie was given a budget higher than the gross national product of most countries. If I make a movie that looks that good on 99 cents, then there's cause to celebrate. So there.

Secondly, the characters. Scotty -- good, though played mostly for laughs. Chekov -- good, though mostly played for laughs. Sulu -- alright, though I find it interesting he can now flip and fence. Perhaps he should be the captain. Bones -- the best one there. Karl Urban was remarkable, with the mannerisms and voice of DeForest Kelly. Maybe he ATE DeForest Kelly. I don't know. Uhura -- worthless, and apparently, has a fetish for Klingons. Nice. Spock -- I want to like this actor. I want to like his portrayal of Spock. However, I want to like a lot of things...and I don't. Kirk -- the biggest disappointment, character-wise. A cheap punkass kid, who looks like an adolescent trying to play his father. When he tries to take command, you want to give him a lollypop and send him on his way. I don't buy him as Kirk...seriously.

Now, the plot...whoo boy. A pissed-off but supernaturally patient Romulan named Nero (as in Captain Nero...get it?) goes through a black hole after his planet is destroyed, and waits for Spock (Leonard Nimoy), the guy he blames for the end of Romulus. In the process, he kills James T. Kirk's Dad, because apparently, he can't stand Kirk either...though he never met him. Warp speed ahead. Kirk is punk in Iowa (a hotbed for punks), and Spock is wrestling with his emotions (and the fact Winona Ryder is his Mom...I mean...wasn't she just in Heathers?) Eventually, Kirk joins Starfleet, and ends up on board with Urban's Bones, Chekov, Sulu, and Uhura. Eventually Vulcan is destroyed (thus infuriating millions of Trekkers), and Kirk is deposited on a snowy, monster-infested planet, because Kirk wants to attack Nero, and not go running back to Starfleet (also, perhaps, because Spock knew Kirk bopped a green woman at the beginning of the film, and made a pass at Uhura...after all...that's his woman!). There, Kirk meets old Spock (and I just lost you), and old Spock tells Kirk to go back and cause his younger self to show emotion, thus allowing him to gain power over the ship. Kirk returns, and taunts Spock, (which is a brilliant ploy, considering the latter knows a move known as the Vulcan Deathgrip...let me repeat...the Vulcan DEATHGRIP).

After these hijinks, Kirk takes over the ship, and with Spock's reluctant help (reluctant because apparently he wants to make out with Uhara again...which he does just before warping to save Earth), they warp to the Romulans ship (which is drilling into the Earth to put a black hole into it...either that, or they're looking for oil), and save Captain Pike (who decided the best course of action when the Romulans first engaged them was to walk right into their hands...that's why he's the Captain). A bunch of visual effects follow, and the bad guy is either destroyed or warped another 25 years in the future, to wait for everyone to return (whilst playing in an egaging game of Yahtzee). Future Spock meets up with Old Spock (I lost you again, didn't I?), and old Spock tells young Spock "good luck"...presumambly because Leonard Nimoy realizes the writers are returning for the sequel. The cast leaves on the Starship Enterprise, and the credits roll.

Now, if you've read this synopsis of the movie, and are not laughing, then this is the movie for you. If you did laugh though, then stay away...the ridiculous events I have described actually transpired in the film (well...maybe not the Yahtzee). This film is another in a long series of ludicrously plotted films from young writers who are "hip" and "cool", and obviously have never actually studied how a plot is actually supposed to work. In closing, a person who "loved" this film told me it was made to "to make it more accessible for more people to get into Star Trek." My only response is this: if this film gets people interested in Star Trek again, then my worst fears about our society have been realized.

Rating: 2.5 out of 5 (as I am feeling overly generous at the moment, and the film didn't really anger me in any way).

I wish thee a fond good night.

- Stephenstein