From the set of Michael Bay's latest...

This person went to a Michael Bay set…and lived to tell about it…

As a new reporter for ‘The Hollywood Gabber’, I was given the unwelcome assignment of going to the set of Michael Bay ’s latest tragedy, a remake of “My Three Sons”. In the film, former Oscar Winner F. Murray Abraham, Michael Gambon, and George Wendt play the three sons in question, with Clint Eastwood portraying the father. In this action-packed, explosives-laden film, the three barely breathing thespians take on rapper Ludacris, who plays their arch-nemesis, the villainous gangster Big John Fart.

When I arrived on the set, I found Bay screaming at the highly-respected Eastwood, claiming that the living legend was standing in the way of one of Bay’s explosions. As he continued his ranting, I gazed at the faces of the cast and crew of this travesty. A more demoralized group of people, I have never seen. Finally finished, Bay turned to me.

“What the f*** do you want?” He shouted.

“Mr. Bay, I’m a new reporter from the Hollywood Gabber, and I’m here to report on the movie you’re shooting. Specifically, what’s the storyline?”

“Storyline!” Bay laughed. “Have you seen any of my other movies? There are no storylines! No scripts! No logic! Just hot, almost-nude women, stupid jokes, and lots, and lots of explosions!”

It should be noted that, while Bay was screaming this into my face, he unzipped his pants, and whipped out the smallest penis in recorded history.

“Do you see this?” He guffawed, while shaking his microscopic member at me, “this is what drives Hollywood these days!”

“Mr. Bay,” I sputtered, trying to get the conversation back on something resembling sanity, “in your opinion, why are your movies so popular!”

“Because people are stupid!” He ranted. “Here, let my chest hair explain the rest.”

I looked three inches below his neck, and noticed that Bay’s shirt was open, and a tangle of unseemly chest hair was poking out. I was shocked, when the chest hair began to spoke, eerily sounding like Sir Ian McKellen.

“You see, Michael Bay is the greatest filmmaker in the history of cinema, specifically because he makes absolute s***, and everyone loves him. I mean, he literally pulls material out of his a**, and throws it in front of the camera, and everyone thinks its great!” The chest hair told me. Then another voice continued, from the top of Bay’s head. It was his mop of unkempt greasy hair, and it sounded exactly like Sir Anthony Hopkins.

“One day, you all will understand the power of Michael Bay . One day, his name will be on everyone’s lips, and a**cheeks.”

As my heart pounded in my chest, at this physical impossibility, my mind raced to find a fact, any fact, that could bring this entire interview into the realm of normalcy. “There are some people in the internet who don’t like your movies!” I blurted.

Bay laughed again. “You stupid, insolent f***”, he screeched, “it doesn’t matter what the people with brains on the internet say! I have people in my corner, powerful people who cannot be touched, like JoBlo’s James Thoo! I mean sure, he’s been caught sodomizing goats, and exposing himself to small children, but it doesn’t matter, because people still think his syllable-challenged posts are good!”

I had to get out of there. This was no place for a human with a brain. Without another word, I rushed from the set, and returned to my lonely cubicle, typing out this article. As I was surfing the ‘Net, seeking any sort of salve for my outraged values, I stumbled across another story, claiming that Fox was so enamored with painfully horrible dialogue, mindless, unwatchable action, and toilet humor of “My Three Sons”, that Bay has been signed to direct a biopic of Martin Luther King Jr., simply entitled “King”. Rumor has it that Shia Labeouf has already been signed to play the title role of King, with Sean Bean portraying a fun-loving Jesuit priest named Julio, and Paris Hilton taking on the role of a banana. Also, apparently, Bay wants Beyonce for a role in the film of Reba McIntyre, but only if she shows up in her alter-ego of Sasha Fierce

“I don’t want that b**** Beyonce,” he proclaimed, “I want Sasha!”

When asked about Martin Luther King Jr., and why he chose to take on this assignment, Bay’s response was extremely cryptic.

“F*** Martin Luther King Jr.! I was the real inspiration for High School Musical 3!”

So what did I learn from this experience? The most important thing I learned, is that Michael Bay is an arrogant, ignorant, insane, unintelligible waste of human life, who also happens to be hung like an infant. After I finish this article, I am going to go to church, and pray to God that somewhere, somehow, the people of this continent snap out of their love of this man, and see him for what he really is: a monster.

***Note*** This is a work of fiction, which means, I made it up. Do not in any way, shape or form think this actually happened, and try to sue my a** off. As for libel, if Michael Bay and James Thoo don't like it, I invite them to write a blog post insulting me. Good luck.

I bid thee a fond good night

- Stephenstein