Thursday, March 22, 2012

Ellis Jacob, WWE, One World and Dark Knight

I have a few topics on this post, so instead of writing 3 smaller posts, I'll write 1 bigger post.  So, before I start in, let me just say that I will NOT be writing Ellis Jacob, if for no other reason, then because I can't find the man's contact info.  Which actually makes sense because, who would wants schmucks like me writing them?  He's a big wig suit, me no have time for little people! I don't want the customer service department to write to either, "hi pimply 17 year-old girl who just started 3 weeks ago, may I please speak to your boss' boss' boss' boss' boss' boss' boss' boss' boss?"  Yeah, I'm sure that would go great.  That's okay though, J-Man has already Youtubed a video stating how much the theatre experience sucks and I'm quite sure I'll be doing my own thing when I have a chance.

WWE -- now Deceptisean did a very nice piece based on my piece (thanks too for the compliment, Deceptisean), so I feel it prudent to throw another cent into the ring.  No, I'm not going to say Deceptisean is wrong.  He's right!  You know what wrestling promos are these days?  It's the equivalent of arguing who left the toilet seat up.  Wrestler 1 comes out and complains how many times Wrestler 2 left the toilet seat up.  Wrestler 2 marches out and says that he doesn't leave the toilet seat up, Wrestler 1 leaves the toilet seat up.  Then they stare at one another for ten seconds, before Wrestler 1 departs, staring down Wrestler 2 and saying all these nasty things he's going to do to the guy.  Problem is, they won't fight until the pay-per-view.  Oh, I'm sure they'll have quick 3 minute tag matches with the inept jobber or Diva of your choice as their partners, but nothing meaningful will happen until the pay-per-view and even then, who knows?  But is definitely watered down.  Being a mike guy is nice, but eventually, when all you do is talk and talk and talk, it gets boring.

Survivor -- have to comment on this.  You know, much like you can count on a celebrity naming their new baby boy or girl something stupid (like Bjemdodaddigse, the German word for "ass lint"), there's always a "villain" on Survivor.  In this show, we have at least 2 villains, in Colton and Alicia.  Now, J-Man is right, this is a game, this should be treated like a game.  If someone is kicking my ass at Monopoly, I'm not going to throw a hissy fit and never speak to them again.  By the same token though, if I'm sitting down at a game, especially a game I'm playing with people I barely know, I'm probably not going to be too accepting to someone telling me I might as well fall into the fire and be medivac'ed out.  In fact, if someone I barely know says that to me on Survivor and then giggles, I will probably wait until their asleep, drag them out to the shore, bury them up to their necks and wait for the high tide to come in.  So, when Colton dropped to the ground and complained about abdominal pain, if I was Christina, there's no way I'm going to get help.  Maybe I'd give him a leg drop or two, maybe I'd do a Stone Cold and stop a mud hole in his ass and walk it dry, but there is no way in hell I'm going for help.  As for Alicia, the only thing faker than her boobs is her personality, she's a Special Ed teacher for crying out loud!  Is this how she treats those Special Needs kids?  "Do what I say retard or I'll punch you in the face?"  Really?  I would call her out on that and the minute she waved her finger in my face, I'd snap it off and shove it up her ass. 

Dark Knight -- so, I read on JoBlo that the test screening of Dark Knight Rises got a standing ovation.  Whoa, whoa, wait a minute, keep your pants on.  Before you get excited, the standing ovation was made by "Warner Bros. executives".  Okay, I'm going to try and write this without laughing too hard.  It was by...Warner Bros. executives.  To the best of my knowledge, the only thing those asswipes would give a standing O to is the record amount of product placement in the movie!  The execs?  Who gives a flying you know what about their opinion?  They probably gave Superman Returns the big thumbs up as well!  Really?  Now, I'm not saying Dark Knight Rises won't be a good movie.  All I'm saying is, these jackasses at JoBlo, they want Dark Knight Rises to be good and they'll get the opinion of anyone, ANYONE to validate their own opinion, never mind the reliability or the quality of the opinion.  Case in point:

JOBLO Jerkoff: "Excuse me Mr. Drunken Inbred Homeless Hillbilly that sits out in front of our tenement, I mean office, can you please tell me your opinion on the upcoming Dark Knight Rises?"
Drunken Inbred Homeless Hillbilly [mumbling incoherently] Something that sounds like "I slept with your mother last night". 
JOBLO Jerkoff: Really, you think it was that awesome!  Great!  I'll write a column right away, as soon as I look in a dictionary for all those words with more than one syllable!

So, take all the hype with a pinch of salt, or maybe a truckload of salt.  They'll tell you it all sounds great and it does all sound great, but until the credits roll and we're chased out of the theatre halfway through them, it's all going to be speculation at best.

- Stephenstein

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