Monday, February 21, 2011

5 things I want to see changed at the theatre

You know, my last forays at the theatre have not been a very satisfying experience. There's been a lot of garbage lately. I'm not talking about the movies either...I'm talking about the behaviour of the people in the theatre. Whispering, standing up during the film, feet on the back of other people's chairs, etc. It's just getting irritating to the point I am seriously contemplating homicide in the theatre. Rather than do this though, I have constructed a list of 5 things I would like to see changed at the theatre. Now, these are changes are not going to happen, but it would be nice if it did. I'm not talking about lower prices, or better concessions. I'm talking about making the entire experience better overall.

5. Fix the screens!
This is a minor problem that doesn't occur that often, but when it does, it's damned annoying. There's a hole in the screen. I've seen it at Imax, I've seen it at regular theatres, hell, I saw it today. It gets really annoying. I start staring at it constantly, to the point of distraction. For the prices I'm paying both at the box office and at the concession stand, I think a little bit of money could be spent to ensure the screens remain in tip top shape.

4. No more 3D!
This is a no-brainer, as my hatred of the 3D format is legend. I hate 3D, I hate looking at it, I hate paying for it, I hate the stupid glasses, I think the effect actually sucks and I hate how everyone is gaga for it, when it's been a technology that's been around since the time of the 3 Stooges. However, there is another reason I hate it: because of the popularity of the format, you now have more brainless imbeciles at the theatre. Even though they're not going to the same show as me, these worthless pieces of trash are in front of me in line at the concession stand, they're in my bathroom, their in front of me at the box office, they're loitering around when I leave...listen, these people are not movie people. Never were, never will be. I'm fine with them being at home, downloading their DVD rips and hanging out with their loser friends. What I'm not okay with is them out in public when I'm around, hanging around and polluting the air I breathe with their gibberish.

3. Headphones option!
This is something I've been championing a while, now. I will gladly give up the DTS 5.1 surround sound, if I have the option of sticking headphones in my ear and listening to the movie instead of the a$$hole sitting behind me, trying to impress his girlfriend or vice versa by acting like a douche. I like the recent trend of movies being so loud, they blast you out of your least it blasts that d!@* out of his or seat as well. In the interest of my own personal hearing though, as I also don't want to be deaf at any point in my life, I would really like this option.

2. Don't let people in after the movie starts!
This has been done. Psycho was one of the ones I remember where Hitchcock asked not to have people let in after the show starts, because he didn't want the surprise in the movie ruined. I think that's great...but how about I don't want the movie ruined, no matter what it is? How about, I don't want some jackass wandering in, fumbling around, LOUDLY asking their fellow assclowns what seat they want to sit in, fumbling around because eventually they choose the seat IN FRONT OF ME and then loudly either pass around foodstuffs or comment on the fact that they are late. You know what? I had the good sense to leave well in advance to ensure I was at the theatre early so I wouldn't have to bumble around in the dark and disturb other people who paid good money to pay the movie. Seeing as how there are so many completely useless idiots in the world today who possess neither watches nor clocks, let's not penalize the people who had the good sense to plan ahead for the little movie excursion, what do you say?

1. Ushers!
Oh me, oh my. Ushers were around in my father's time and obviously due to budgets of theatres, they don't employ them anymore. Apparently, they use to rove up and down, making sure no one was acting up. Well, let's bring 'em back. Please. I want someone I can grab easily to say "look the atrociously disgusting waste of a human life in front of me won't shut up, would you please tell them to shut up before I kill the son-of-a-*^#&@?" Ushers should also have the power to remove people, if they're acting up. No more whispering, no more feet kicking the back of my chair, no more cell phones in my damn face because one rehab is texting another rehab "OMG! Where r u? I'm watching Unknown! LOL!", no more of any of that. The point of me plunking down my cash is to watch the movie, no other purpose. If I wanted to give $11 away, I'll just give it to a homeless person.

So, that's my take on improving the theatre experience. You know, when I was a kid, going to the theatre and seeing a movie was an experience to look forward to. Now, I go dreading it, just thinking about how angry I'm going to get because some inconsiderate schmuck thinks they're in their damned living room, instead of a public place. Don't worry, I know none of these things will happen, but that's okay. If you're ever watching the six o'clock news and there's news of a homicide, you'll know who and why.

- Stephenstein

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