Monday, May 28, 2012

Total Films 50 Most Hated Films of All Time # 30 - Alien Resurrection

Okay, hold-up, time out here people.
When did Alien 4 suddenly become the most hated?  I went to the bathroom, Alien 3 was the most hated one in the franchise, everyone agreed, it was a terrible movie (actually it wasn't, it was pretty good), but I come out,  I think the world is the same and all of a sudden, Alien 4 is making the most hated lists.  Well, what the hell happened?

Well I can tell you what happened.  What happened is the director of Alien 3, David Fincher became Mr. Big Shot.  That's right, David Fincher made Alien 3.  Everyone's favourite movie director, the guy who has been nominated for at least 2 Oscars now, as well as making Seven and Fight Club which all the fanboys and film geeks love and quote and all that stuff, he made Alien 3, which everyone said was kakka doody not too long ago.  What's that?  You looove all Fincher movies, so Alien 3 isn't that bad?  Well, I can point to a piece of my anatomy and tell you what I'd like you to do with it.  Because you know what?  You guys didn't Max Reed that up.  You didn't go back and take a second look at it and appreciate it for what it was.  You just happen to like it because David Fincher is now in everyone's top 10 directors list.  You know, that sort of stuff sickens me.  Like, don't have an opinion of your own!  Heavens no!  You just go along with the crowd, little boy!  Here's a lollipop!  Geez.

Anyhow, I actually went back and re-read the Total Film article (while holding my nose and keeping back the vomit).  Here is why Alien 4 made the list, because I have no logical explanation at all why Alien 4 would make the list.  Here it is and I quote:

"An unnecessary addition to the story, muzzled by the law of diminishing returns and the misjudged tone of black comedy.  The less said about the Newborn, the better."

Now, let me start off by saying if I'm making a list of the 50 most hated films of all time, I think I owe each of those movies more than 2 lines.  Talk about a weak explanation to hate a film.  Let's get into it a little bit:

Unnecessary addition?  Why?  Because they wanted to make more alien films?  Because they didn't want Ridley dying to wrap up the series?  Because they thought up a new way of bringing the franchise back to life? (P.S., one of the writers of this movie was Joss Wedon, whose picture all these jackasses put up beside Fincher's, Tarantino's and Stephen Soderbergh's before going to sleep at night, so don't even think the loss who created the list still has the same opinion that this movie was unnecessary, he's probably telling everyone how much he looooves Alien 4...asswipe).  

Muzzled by the law of diminishing returns.  Muzzled?  Muzzled?  First of all, who are you trying to impress, you pimply-faced dropout?  Muzzled?  Really.  You hit the thesaurus button in Word for that one, didn't you.  You high-fived all your loser colleagues when you did that one.  Muzzled?  Give me a break.  Essentially, what this guy is saying is that the longer the series goes, the more diminished the box office returns get (which I've already proven is wrong) and the the less reason to go on.  So, you know according to this guy, there would be only 3 Godzilla films and that's it. Three Mission: Impossibles.  No more Pirates, no more Transformers...Basically, any franchise is toast after 3.  It's a good thing this moron isn't running things. 

Okay, the Newborn.  WHAT?  The Newborn is awesome!  It's a cross between and alien and a human! What's wrong with that!  You see the carnage it caused on the ship?  That entire part with the Newborn was awesome!  What was wrong with that?  Honestly, WHAT WAS WRONG WITH THAT?  Why do you hate this movie?  I mean, what is the explanation?  Just because it was the 4th film in the series and you think it was going for black comedy (a misread if there ever was, Alien 4 is the sickest, most gruesome and fantasy-ish installment in the series...but it's not going for comedy-value, even dark comedy, you half-wit), and you didn't like the Newborn.  That'  I don't get it.  Then to top it off, you post a review from some poster on Jo Blo.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  Half the guys who post on there haven't had a single thought in their head for entire generations.  You have got to be kidding me.  I'm sorry, but this is just a complete farce. 

Rating: Worth the hate?  When I understand why his movie is hated or even if it's hated, I'll get back to you...on second thought, I'll get back to you now...No.

- Stephenstein

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