Movies based on toy lines – What did you expect?

There have been a rash of posts on web-sites ever since the first Michael Bay Transformers movie came out and irked fans with its brazen stupidity, crassness, disrespect and lack of coherent story or enduring characters – posts on websites that rebut fans’ dissention against movies like Transformers or the underwhelming and stupid-looking clips put up for the upcoming G.I. Joe movie with statements along the lines of “But it’s based on a toy line. What did you expect?”. I remember one comment from a posting (I can’t remember where I saw it) saying something like “Did you want a guy in a sailor suit running around firing a laser pistol with a friggin’ parrot on his shoulder??” Okay look, no I don’t want the exact image of the cartoon interpreted into live-action on the big screen. Of course you update it, but still remain true to the original, so that there’s something left of the original brand to actually experience. However, I really don’t like the snarkiness of these comments and this attitude people have devaluing something because it’s based on a toy. The truth is that anything can be made into a great movie – you just have to be creative enough to treat it right. The filmmakers behind the Christopher Reeve Superman movie in ’78 had an uphill battle because everyone saw comic book movies and characters as being fodder for campiness and stupid jokes. Superman was made into a movie that took the subject matter seriously and became a huge hit, a big franchise and is now a classic film. All you have to do is treat your subject matter seriously and the audience will follow. What do I expect from these movies, released and forthcoming, that are based on toy lines? Well, a whole hell of a lot:

Transformers – What people say: “It’s stupid and jokey, just give me big effin’ robots fighting each other and shit blowing up. What did you expect?”

Well, I expected the robots to be the stars of the movie, having endearing personalities and relationships with each other and the human characters. Optimus is the stalwart leader who doesn’t do comic relief, he takes Bumblebee under his wing as someone who has potential to be a great warrior in the future, Optimus is flanked by Iron Hide and Ratchet (a warrior and a medic that have been through many battles with Optimus and are dear and trusted friends because of it) and Jazz is a robot who falls in love with Earth and its pop culture enough to want to defend it to the end. Megatron is constantly threatened with usurpation by Starscream as ruler of the Decepticons, and I expected the other Decepticons to actually say something, maybe be extremely loyal to Megatron or team with Starscream or something. I expected a coherent story with Megatron trying to plunder Earth’s energy-rich resources and Optimus defending Earth and feeling guilty that the Autobots inadvertently lead the Decepticons to this innocent planet.

See? Is that so bad? What the hell was all that about a cube with powers I still don’t get and glasses they have to find that have a map to the cube but it doesn’t matter since the cube has been moved to the Hoover Dam and the robots don’t talk at all and all of the humans are comic relief that don’t take anything seriously? What the hell was that??

G.I. Joe – what people say: “I just want to see shit blow up good! Those masks and stuff from the cartoon would look cheesy today. It’s based on a toy! What do you expect?”

I don’t know if you’ve noticed on the news, but terrorists with masks and hoods over their heads that kidnap innocent Americans and threaten death are common place today. So how would masked villains look goofy? Make Cobra a threat by having them obtaining nuclear weapons from the former U.S.S.R. on the black market and holding the world ransom by threatening to nuke a country every hour until Cobra is given the North American continent as their base of operations to rule the rest of the nations of the world. They start by nuking an innocent country in the first act, killing millions, Lifeline and Doc are dispatched to help with the devastation, the American government gathers its best of the best in the military, each guy specializing in their own task, the governments of the world support them through the U.N. and together they figure out where Cobra’s base of operations is, a search that leads them all over the world until they locate a small island in the Pacific (Cobra Island) and mount a counter attack, destroying Cobra’s weapons delivery systems and recovering the nukes. Throw in an infiltrator to the Joe ranks in disguise (Zartan) who throws them off until discovered, motor-bike riding street thugs recruited to join Cobra and mount guerilla warfare against the Joes in locations around the world (the Dreadnocks), a sub-plot with Snake Eyes settling an old score with Storm Shadow, an arms dealer who supplies Cobra its nukes (Destro), a front operation corporation that funds Cobra headed up by mysterious twins (Tomax and Xamot), a masked ruler of Cobra who releases messages to the world’s media (Cobra Commander) and young, tough recruits headed up by General Hawk (Duke, Bazooka, Roadblock, Scarlett, etc., etc., whoever else you want), as well as cool weaponry and vehicles on both sides – and bullets and missiles instead of lasers. All this would make for a stacked and exciting movie. Gee, what the hell is so hard about that?? That’s what I expect. Not some shit movie about nanites and cheap villains in business suits instead of masks.

Masters of the Universe – What people say: “He-Man looks gay. He shouldn’t be a kid that turns into Fabio like the cartoon. That’s gay. I just want to see sword fighting and shit blowing up. Yeah!! It’s based on a stupid toy line! What do you expect?”

Well, I expect all the coolness that comes with a concept of swords and sorcery combined with high tech. Adam, Prince of Eternia, is a kid that his father, King Randor, believes to be useless, especially against the criminal horde ruled by Skeletor who wants to rule Eternia his own evil way and have free access to all of its resources. Adam discovers the ancient ruins of Castle Greysull where a sorceress dwells who sees potential in Adam and bestows upon Adam the power to become the embodiment of one of Eternia’s champions of the past, and possess all of his power whenever he wills it with his magical sword: He-Man! He-Man makes himself know in a battle between King Randor’s forces and Skeletor and is recruited into the King’s ranks, but the King doesn’t know He-Man is in fact his supposedly useless son Adam. Mix in core characters Orko (the bumbling sorceror), Man-At-Arms (leader of the King’s Guard who takes Adam under his wing and knows he’s He-Man), Teela (who thinks Adam is useless but loves He-Man – and whom Adam has a crush on), Mechanec (leader of the King’s mechanic pool who creates weapons and vehicles), Ram Man (who is the very best of the King’s Guard) – and of course the villans Beast Man (who leads Skeletor’s beast battalion), Trap Jaw (who creates Skeletor’s weapons, vehicles and trooper drones), Evilynn (Skeletor’s Sorceror, second in magical power to Skeletor himself) and Skeletor who was scarred by Rador in a fight many moons ago and wants revenge. This is not that effin’ hard, people! This is what I expect, but I’m sure this will be watered down to be “realistic” (i.e. boring) whenever the He-Man movie is released.

The thing is, when these toys came out they were accompanied by stories and characters that were fleshed out by shows and comics to the point where each line had a lore to it that was fine for any TV show or movie. There isn’t a lot to change. Hell, even the smaller toys that would be seen as worthless by fickle, bitter message board posters on most geek web-sites would still make cool movies if their stories and characters were treated seriously.

Hell, even shit like Sectaurs: A technologically advanced planet is destroyed by dangerous experiments that turn the surviving population into half-man, half-insects. A primitive kingdom-based society develops over the years, possessing not nearly a quarter of the previous civilization’s technology. Prince Dargon, still young but coached by loyal father figure and veteran warrior Pinsor, leads a team to find “The Hyve”, ruins of an old lab that may have caused the disasters of the previous age, before evil warlord General Spydrax obtains its powers and secrets and uses it to rule the planet. Mix in the giant flying and land crawling insect steeds that the characters ride and it would be a wicked, epic film.

Even Starriors! This from Wikipedia: “In the future, solar flares threaten all life on Earth. Earth's scientists build three Classes of intelligent machines, Protectors, to restore the Earth for human use, Destructors, to ward off any potential alien invasions, and Guardians to protect humanity after they go into a hibernative state underground. The brains of the Starriors, called control circuits, are crafted in the human image. The leader of the Destructors, Slaughter Steelgrave, becomes craven at the thought of deactivation upon the restoration of the humans, and enslaves the Protectors after what he believes to be a successful attempt to destroy all of the Guardians. Eventually, the human race and the Starriors' mission is forgotten as a reality and regarded as a myth--none of the Starriors had been activated when the humans disappeared. Then the Protector Trashor, Nipper, discovers a human skull. A band of Protectors, eventually joined by a few dutiful Destructors, sets out to release the humans from their overly prolonged hibernation.” -- Add in Slaughter Steelgrave heading up a group to stop this band and a climax with the humans getting revived and you've got yourself a pretty cool movie.

Hell, even Bravestarr: In the future, human kind has expanded to the far stars with colonies on many planets and settle on one planet lovingly called “New Texas” where they mine for riches, make do with the limited technology they have by mixing old-west tech with space-age tech, and live peacefully with other alien life-forms. That is until Tex Hex, outlaw gang leader of the “Carrion Bunch” with powers bestowed upon him by a mysterious force far beyond the settlers’ comprehension, initiates raids and bullies the settlers to the point that no man or woman would dare be Marshal in New Texas. In comes a young, strapping, mysterious and charming Native man calling himself Bravestarr who decalres himself Marshal and teaches the people of New Texas how to fend off the criminal hordes while standing up to Tex Hex himself. Mix in Bravestarr discovering his partner Thirty/Thirty (a half-horse, half man with a giant gun he calls “Sarah Jane”) in New Texas, wild west themes with futuristic high tech, cool Carrion Bunch members Thunder Stick (a robot), Vipra (a serpent woman), or Howler (a Cyote man), just to name a few, and fun characters like Handle Bar (the green-skinned tough bartender of the saloon), the undertaker character who smiles in anticipation of booming business and eagerly measures people for their coffins whenever a battle is brewing, and Judge J.B. McBride, the attractive female judge who was assigned to New Texas and has romantic tension with Bravestarr. This thing just writes itself.

See? This is what I expect! Epic stories with neat characters and cool, inventive things I haven’t seen before in live-action. All too often, people go on and on about wanting to see shit blow up or what not, but movies like that are forgotten and have no resonance. When a Transformers or G.I. Joe or whatever comes along in the theatres, I want a great story with characters and cool action that sets up a solid foundation for sequels. I don’t care if it’s even based on bubble gum. Anything can be turned into a great movie. So – why is that not happening?

-Deceptisean