The only man who can solve the worlds problems is a…

Hobo With a Shotgun.


Rutger Hauer stars in this Troma movie with a budget. Now it’s not actually a Troma movie, but it may as well be. Troma – is a studio in New Jersey that makes schlock horror movies that are truly sick. Killing kids is not frowned upon in Tromaville, so you have to know what you are getting into.
This movie was rated R – not since 2005 (confirmed by the ticket taker at the theatre – I asked him) has a film been rated R. R means NO ONE under 18 AT ALL. You may think, hey, wasn’t Hostel, or Grindhouse rated R – nope, they were 18A – which means if you are under 18 you can go with an adult (someone who is 18 or older), but this baby was R!


After seeing it I can tell you it’s definitely worth the R rating. This is the sickest, goriest film I have ever seen in the theatre – not counting Troma movies that are usually straight to video. I mean Citizen Toxie, or the first Toxic Avenger are just as bad, or worse, than this movie, in terms of violence.


The plot is that Rutger shows up in town and within 5 mins of arriving sees a man decapitated in broad daylight while the villains girlfriend bathes in the blood of the severed head. Nice. No one helps this guy and Hobo (Rutger) tries to ignore it and move on. Then he sees other nasty stuff and just cant take it anymore. He gets a shotgun and decides to kill off these bad people – oh yeah, the cops are all pretty much bad too! So the entire film is Hobo killing these awful people.


So basically I loved this movie. Rutger plays it straight! He is a homeless guy who becomes a vigilante and really destroys villains. Now these villains are really nasty. I mean in once scene a school bus full of kids gets torched by the main villain while they play “Disco Inferno” on their stereos. There’s a child molesting Santa, and a guy who films bum-fights. There are all sorts of despicable people that really get wasted in the worse ways in this film. So if you wanna see really bad people get killed in blood-splattering ways, then this is the movie to see.


I also really liked Rutger’s performance. He was actually really good and I really liked his character. The hooker in the movie, who Hobo saves, was really cool too. The good people in this movie were just as good as the bad were bad. Really well done and I’m glad that this first time film maker actually made a good movie and not like Blair Witch – which was a bunch of crap.


Congrats to Jason Eisner for this epic masterpiece of gore and violence!


I love the end credits too – they play “Run with Us” the theme from the cartoon show “The Raccoons!”


Go see this bad boy!


5/5


J-Man.

Gamera!!!!!!!

Gamera Vs Barugon. Continuing my Monster Movie Mondays starring Gamera. So this is the second one in the series and its really well done! The story is actually really cool! This has to be in the top storylines of a monster movie! These guys go in search of an Opal that is worth 4 million bucks. One of the guys found it during the war and hid it in a cave. Twenty years later, he and his brother and 2 friends have to find the opal. Problem is, that he cannot walk – due to a war injury, so he must rely on his brother and his 2 buddies to find it. The opal is near a village of primitives that warn not to go into the caves, of course they do, they find the opal, and then get betrayed by one of the friends. The brother survives and teams up with the local hottie villager that explains that the opal was in fact an egg that will hatch and mutate into Barugon. From that point on, it’s the usual fair, BUT we get more of the story of the betrayer guy and the 2 brothers and the village girl. I liked the characters for once and also Barugon is pretty cool. One other cool thing, there wasn’t too much cutting away when the monster fight started. Usually in these movies they go back and forth between the humans and the monsters, but this one didn’t do it too much. 5/5 J-Man.

The toy's are back in town.

Toy Story 3. If you loved TS and TS2 then this is sure to please. I have to say that in a series that is so amazing, it seems to be getting better and better. TS2 was just amazing, and this one is really great. This has to be one of the best animated films of all time. If I had seen this in theatres it would be in the top 2 of last year. Basically Tron Legacy and Toy Story 3 were the best films of the year. Towards the end of this film, I was getting really nervous, I wasn’t sure what was going to happen and I felt more emotion towards the toys than any other living character in any movie of last year. What a great series this is, truly one of the best trilogies of all time. 5/5 J-Man.

Sucker Punch this!

J-Man has already more than adequately reviewed this movie, so I won't be doing that. Instead, I'm just going to discuss some of the reviews I've read about the movie. If you haven't seen it, you may find it informative. If you have seen it and liked it, or haven't and aren't going to bother, it may amuse you. If you've seen it and hated it, this is directed at you, so do us a favour and for once, pay attention.

A lot of reviews about this film seem to have 3 main problems:

1. The storyline made no sense.

2. The girls were dressed provocatively, thus making it akin to porn.

3. The action was over-the-top and visually uninspiring

Okay...[cracking knuckles]...here goes...

1. The storyline made no sense. Okay, I don't get it. Why? Maybe Snyder should have inserted title cards stating "Babydoll is now imagining being in a world where she and the girls are fighting Nazis"? I mean, I hear all the time how audiences are more sophisticated and you can't talk to them as if they're dumb. Then a movie like this comes out and people prove their dumb. I mean, everyone loved Inception. That was a dream within a dream within a dream within a dream. I didn't hear a lot of "I don't get it" from that movie. I heard a lot of people say the movie "blew their mind" (which is funny because the movie is basically using Chapter 1 of Psychology 101), but I don't get this "I don't get it" nonsense. It's simple really:

Babydoll imagines the she and the other girls are in a brothel, partly because it's a good simile to her current situation and also because it helps her deal with her situation. Plus, it's more interesting, visually. When she has to dance for someone, her mind goes into an even more outlandish setting and represents the battles she feel she has to overcome to achieve her specific goals.

There. 3 sentences explained it. A lot easier than say explaining a David Lynch movie (which everyone loves) or sometimes even a Darren Arofnofsky film (who has been bequeathed the great white hope by the clowns currently cluttering the internet). So, help me understand...what exactly don't you get?

2. The movie was porn. Noooooooo. As J-Man pointed out, there's no kissing, no sex. There may have been a rape attempt, but even that was heavily open to interpretation. If that's someone's idea of porn, I'd hate to see their reaction to real porn. Oh wait...I get it! It's because the girls are dressed all sexy!

Well, that's pretty much every Japanese anime/manga. Which are hyper-popular on both sides of the Earth. You think it sucks? Well, in my opinion, Japanese anime has a far more loyal following than North American animation. It's more profitable, goes on forever and from what I've seen, never diminishes in quality. No one is dying over how their characters are dressed and sometimes it's even skimpier than what you see in this movie. You want to tell the Japanese you find their stuff to be porn? Be my guest. They've just been totally destroyed by earthquakes, nuclear meltdowns and tsunamis. I'm sure they'd be more than receptive to your cheap opinion.

Oh, by the way, North America also has their actresses dress all slutty and no one cares. How about Chicago, Moulin Rouge, Nine, Sin City, Transformers 1 & 2, Basic Instinct, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Dollhouse, to name just a few off the top of my head. Most of these movies or television shows are extremely popular and I didn't see the big flag-waving there about how the ladies were dressing.

3. The action was over-the-top and uninspiring. Yes, I have to admit, you could see the action in this movie. It wasn't done in the style today of putting a camera on the ground and punting it across a parking lot. Actually, the WWII war scene was shot in a frantic style, so I wouldn't say even this movie was completely clean, but it was still better than 99 percent of what I'm seeing. Nope, people today enjoy the style of Battle LA (or BLA as J-Man called it, which I think is the best way to think of that movie), where you can see nothing. That's exciting. I love it when I can't see anything or tell what's going on. That's great. How about I just give you $10 and close my eyes through the movie and then leave. That's what it turns out being.

The movie has lots of Slo-Mo though and that's bad. I mean, no popular films ever have slo-mo. Hard Boiled doesn't have slo-mo. Face/Off doesn't have slo-mo. Resident Evil 4 doesn't have slo-mo. Hell, The Matrix? Nope, they didn't have shots where the action didn't just slow down, but stopped entirely while the camera revolved around the picture. Nope, didn't happen. All part of my imagination. As for the over-the-top comment, go see any foreign or Hong Kong movie...go see an Indian film named Enthiran. Oh wait, that would involve you actually have to delve outside your North American "I only watch movies made after 2007" mentality, wouldn't it? Well, if you bothered, you would see the meaning of "over-the-top". You would also see the meaning of "really good."

So, that's my rebuttal to the common critiques of this movie. For all those out there who complain about about movies not being imaginative enough, here's your movie. For those who like "realism", avoid it. Or sit out on your front stoop. Then you can have all the realism you want.

- Stephenstein

Be a sucker.

SUCKER PUNCH

Zack Snyder has brought us some great films, 300 and Watchmen. Watchmen is my third favourite movie of all time and 300 is one of the best visual experiences I have ever had. I saw that film 3 times in the theatre and it still amazes me. His new film, Sucker Punch is fantastic action/fantasy that has a nice little message in it too. To describe this movie would be difficult only because there is so much greatness in it. I can tell you what’s not in it, that may help, there is no goofy love story, no sex, or kissing or even a love interest, no cheesy one-liners, and no unnecessary scenes. What it has is a lot fantasy, imagination, and whole lot of action!

Imagination today basically amounts to everyone hating the movie. What the hell happened to the days of the visual experience? I don’t mean to say that you can ignore plot and story – but sometimes stories don’t need to be complex. Take Raiders of the Lost Ark. Inidiana Jones has to find the Ark. That’s it. That’s the story. But the characters, situations, and action is what makes that film one of the best of all time, and what continues to excite audiences. 2001 is a very artistic film that has no narrative and it forces you to contemplate everything that happens, well Sucker Punch is somewhere in between those films.

Everyone has been hating on this film for no reason other than the fact that they cannot understand what is going on. Well, it’s very simple. It’s about a girl who is put into an insane asylum and needs to escape within 5 days or else she will be lobotomized. She does so by using her imagination to create a fantasy world where her and her friends are superheroes fighting Orcs, Zombies, steam-powered German soldiers, Stone Samurai and futuristic Robots. I know that what I said may sound confusing, but it’s not. How can all these fantastical elements be in one movie? Easy, SHE IS IMAGINING THEM! It’s in her MIND people, so anything can happen.

Every action scene is from one genre of film, so you are basically getting 5 mini films. What’s funny is that Zack has made each of those mini films, better, for the genre, then actual full length films that come out. The Samurai battle, for example, is better than any of the Hollywood ninja stuff that has come out. Fighting robots on a moving train while Saturn in the background is cooler than any other Science Fiction film that has come out in a long time. So basically, these scenes offer more in 5-10 mins that most feature length films do.

These action sequences are the best part of the movie, as expected, but there is a lot of drama and a good story. People are criticizing the story, but I actually liked it! There were also some surprising moments, which I wont reveal, but I found the drama to be quite good! The opening sequence is a silent 3-4 mins where we learn Babydoll’s family history and if you have seen Watchmen, and remember the opening credits (where we learn the history of the world with superheroes in it) then you will recall how great that sequence is, and this one is similar (not better though).

And Ladies – you are good to go too. He doesn’t sexualize these girls. Point – they are showgirls that perform for “clients” but they are never shown dancing at all, and even when Babydoll does her enchanting dance, we don’t see her dance, instead we fade to an action sequence. So the women out there shouldn’t be offended by the girls in this movie, because they are just really cool girls that kick ass.

This is the best film of the year EASY and I think it may stay that way unless Conan blows my mind. Zack is a visionary and has a great imagination, so lets support this guy and go see this thing. Oh and the message of the movie – you have the power to do whatever you want, you have the tools – your mind and your imagination – go use them.

5/5

J-Man.

Shadows on the wall.

Paranormal Activity 2.

This is a prequel to Paranormal Activity 1, at least for the first three quarters of the film, then the last quarter actually continues from part 1. So to get the full Paranormal Activity experience you should watch part 2, then stop at the point they mention the first film, watch the first film, then put part 2 back in to finish it off.

Something funny to note. These films are pretending to be “real” which is problematic – why keep the camera’s rolling? But ignoring that, we get a message from Paramount Pictures thanking the families for allowing us to view their footage, thus reinforcing the “real” tone of the film. Too bad that after the movie ends they have credits that include “costume designer” etc. That just made me laugh a bit.

Anyway, this movie is the same as part 1 in the sense that you have to wait a long time for something to happen. I don’t much like ghost movies and I like realistic ones even less. I don’t believe in ghosts so a door opening all by itself isn’t scary to me at all. Also, the jumps that happen in this movie amount to nothing. I like when you jump and then someone gets their head cut off. Like scaring me into jumping is fine if there is a payoff, otherwise it just gets annoying.

I have a proposal to the makers of this film, or to anyone who has the time or inclination to do it, why not drop the first 30-40 mins of both films, then splice them together to make one good movie, instead of 2 ok ones. There is some ok stuff here, like when the girl gets dragged down the stairs – although I found it amusing. I also like when the girl from part one kills the father, he was a douche.

But overall, this movie and the first are just ok. If you really believe in spirits you will probably think this is pretty scary. But waiting around for a shadow to cross over someone is not interesting to me, or scary. I know it’s fake, so who cares. If it was real, then why not just show me the cool parts, and not them talking at the pool about crap I don’t care about. It would be like watching Friday the 13th, but all the campers talk for 40 mins then one person see a bloody axe. Then another 10 mins pass and someone finally gets killed and then the movie is over.

2.5/5

J-Man.

The Flying Turtle!

Gamera: The Giant Monster

Everyone who reads this blog knows I love giant monster movies (Kaiju), so it’s no surprise that I own every Gamera movie (pronounced Ghaa-Merhah). So over the next little while I will be on a Gamera marathon, along with my regular movie reviews. Before I begin with the first Gamera movie let me share this Roger Ebert quote from his Gamera: Guardian of the Universe review. He basically states what I have always believed.

“There's a learning process that moviegoers go through. They begin in childhood without sophistication or much taste, and for example, like ``Gamera'' more than ``Air Force One'' because flying turtles are obviously more entertaining than United States presidents. Then they grow older and develop ``taste,'' and prefer ``Air Force One,'' which is better made and has big stars and a more plausible plot. (Isn't it more believable, after all, that a president could single-handedly wipe out a planeload of terrorists than that a giant turtle could spit gobs of flame?) Then, if they continue to grow older and wiser, they complete the circle and return to ``Gamera'' again, realizing that while both movies are preposterous, the turtle movie has the charm of utter goofiness--and, in an age of flawless special effects, it is somehow more fun to watch flawed ones.”

Full review:
http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/19970829/REVIEWS/708290303/1023

So basically I agree with what Ebert is saying here, but I would even go a step further in saying that these movies are good – PERIOD. Not “so bad they’re good” just plain good. Actually I think their GREAT! I love them! Not in a joking way either, I mean I love them!

Finally on to Gamera. Now this is the first of 12 Gamera films, Gamera, for those not in the know, is a giant flying turtle. He is not to be confused with Godzilla, but he was sort of his competition. Anyway this first film is in black and white and its your basic fare. Airplanes crash in the arctic and awake Gamera. He cause damage and the army and scientists cannot find a way to defeat him.

The effects are good, just think Godzilla, only Godzilla is a bit better, but the cool thing about this movie is how they defeat Gamera in the end. I wont give it away, but they come up with the mysterious Plan Z (or Z Plan – as it is sometimes subtitled). Just let me tell you that it is a brilliant way to defeat a giant monster.

Check this out when you can.

5/5 – note I give all Kaiju 5/5 – except that piece of crap Cloverfield.

J-Man.