Iron Man 2 - will it suck?

Is it me? I have a sinking feeling about Iron Man 2. It might just be my eternal negativity about everything, but I don’t know. I haven’t really been impressed by any of the stills that I’ve seen. I haven’t been able to take a look at any footage before Studio execs strike them down. And until I see footage, I can’t shake this feeling that it looks stupid. Now, you might be reading this in the far-flung future, having already seen Iron Man 2, and saying “What are you, a moron? I just saw the movie and it was freakin’ awesome!”. But you have to realize that I’m writing this on October 27, 2009. At this point, this is what I have to work with:



First of all, why Whiplash as the main villain. I know he’s a classic Iron Man villain, but of all the classic villains they chose Whiplash? Whiplash, seriously. You’re trying to follow up the success of the first Iron man movie with a spectacular sequel, and you come up with Whiplash. Why not Mandarin? Why not Titanium Man? Or even the effin’ Melter for eff sakes.What is Whiplash’s power? Well . . . he has whips. Really?? How the hell is he supposed to fight Iron Man??? Can you imagine how lame that would look?




And what is up with the leather strap fetish gear Mickey Rourke is sporting in those silly stills? People are fond of saying that Whiplash goes through various phases of “armour” (if you can call it that) and this is an early phase. Okay, but if it looks that dumb, why even show it!? I didn’t think it was possible, but they actually made a costume that’s even sillier than the comic one. And don’t tell me he fights Iron man at a NASCAR rally. When will Americans learn that nobody cares about NASCAR? Even Americans don’t care. It’s just Americans living in the Southern states that seem to be obsessed with this crap, but anyone south of Texas, North of Iowa and East or West of the lower 48 States doesn’t care!! I like how they try to shoe-horn in NASCAR guys every-so-often into TV commercials and movies. You’ve probably seen it. Some smiling dude walks into frame and everyone goes gaga. I’m usually left thoroughly confused “Who the hell is that guy??”. I remember one scene in the Herbie reboot with Lindsay Lohan where these three guys go up to Herbie and start muttering lines like “I’ll tell you what, that’s a sweet ride.” “Yup, sure is.” “Yup, I’ll tell you what.”. I had no idea what was going on. I was like “are these guys stars?? This scene looks like it was made just to have them yap about “I’ll tell you what” but I can’t place the faces. Am I supposed to know who these fart-heads are?”. Later, I realized that they were NASCAR “stars”. Are you effin’ kidding me?? I predict that there will be a scene in Iron Man 2 where NASCAR “superstars” walk up to the Iron Man armour:

NASCAR “superstar” #1: I’ll tell you what, that’s some sweet armour.

NASCAR “superstar” #2: Sure is, I’ll tell you what.

NASCAR “superstar #1: Oooooweeeeh, some sweet design, I’ll tell you what.

NASCAR “superstar #2: Yup.

NASCAR “superstar #1: Yup.

NASCAR “superstar #2: I’ll tell you what.



Who in the hell are you guys??

It’ll be the single most embarrassing moment for Marvel in it’s decades-spanning history. But enough of this NASCAR bashing. The NASCAR scene reminds me of a typical comic-movie formula, where the hero gets defeated by the villain (or narrowly escapes an attack from a villain), then licks his or her wounds and comes back more pumped up and improved to defeat the villain in the final act. Okay, but we have a problem. Our villain is Whiplash, who has almost nothing covering his leathered up torso, and we have frickin’ Iron Man!!! Are you seriously going to show Whiplash give Iron Man a run for his money? And we’ve heard rumours that War Machine is in this movie. Okay, cool. I would like to see a live-action War Machine. But does that mean that lame-looking Whiplash is such a formidable foe that Iron Man has to actually team up with War Machine and Whiplash needs not one, but two Iron Men to defeat him?? Are you kidding me??? And let’s say that Whiplash is not the only villain. We know that Black Widow is in this. But now does that mean that Iron Man has trouble fighting some skinny chick and a dude with leather straps and bandolas??


Even Crimson Dynamo would be awsome

You see what I mean? This isn’t shaping up well in my mind. Why couldn’t they go with Mandarin or Ultron or someone as the villain? And it's not like they can save them for a sequel. What sequel? Last I heard, it's straight on to the Avengers movie. And I don't want to see Mandarin fighting the Avengers, I want Madarin to fight Iron Man in an Iron Man movie! Hopefully it’ll all work out, but Paramount and Marvel Studios have to understand that by not showing us footage of how these Iron Man 2 characters will work, and releasing out-of-context stills, you’re making Iron Man 2 look wholly stupid. We’ll see come next year.

Don't agree with me? Let me know in our very own forums:
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-Deceptisean

Marvel and Disney: Two great tastes that taste great together!

Well, it's been almost a week since the announcement that Disney wanted to buy Marvel. And it's been almost a week since fanboys everywhere went batshit angry over the news, predicting doom and gloom and the end of Marvel and all its characters. Sigh. Why are fanboys so bitter about everything nowadays? What is the frickin' problem??

I actually think this is an amazing thing to happen to Marvel. Yes, it would be nice to have seen Marvel grow and flourish as its own "Disney" and become a powerhouse entertainment company relying on the strength of its intellecdtual property. But Marvel realized that strength too damn late in the game. They had filed for chapter 11 bankruptcy in the late 90's, and only then started to get their film projects up and rolling, putting their characters out there for more exposure to the general public, which has now given Spidey the same pop-culture exposure that Batman experienced in the 60's and 90's and Superman experienced in the 80's. Recently, Marvel decided to open their own film studio in a bid to make more money off of their characters (despite the couple billion dollars plus that the Spidey and X-Men movies have made over the years, Marvel sees a fraction of that since the film rights are with Sony and Fox respectively). They were taking steps in the right direction, but Disney will supply everything Marvel wanted in the blink of an eye (distribution, theme parks, multi-media exposure, etc.). And yes, as we all know now, you will still get your Iron Man 2 and such. And, Lord help us all, Fox will still try to churn or X-Men pap and "reboot" Fantastic Four, since they still have the rights to those and Sony will still try to crank out Spider-Man 4, 5 and 6 or however many they're making since they have Spidey movie rights still.

Now, for all you fanboys worried about Marvel suddenly becoming too family friendly because they're now owned by Disney -- what decade are you living in? Disney no longer means dumb talking animals in movies only a 5 year old could love. They haven't been there in at least 15 years. Because of the Disney/Pixar merger, Disney routinely puts out all-ages movies with currently the best storytelling in American cinema with their Pixar movies and they constantly garner massive crossover success with all demographics. Yes, Disney also makes stupid live-action crap like Race to Witch Mountain and Hannah Montannah, but the important thing to realize is the company's ability to separate them and develop mutiple brands for multiple audiences. Witch Mountain, Jonas Brothers and Hannah Montannah are jokey, stupid and innocuous and are for the tween set. Mickey Mouse and all his friends are currently in TV and "edutainment" content aimed at small children. The Pixar movies are a little more challenging and are for ages 5 to 90. Touchstone pictures are for grownups. See? Disney knows where to slot things. I see them making kid-friendy and also challenging Marvel movies and TV. You may get Spidey teaching children math and ABCs, but you'll also get Spidey fighting Morbius or Electro in movies, Hulk smashing stuff and maybe a hard edged Blade movie or two. And Marvel's publishing program will not be touched. If anything, Marvel would start making Mickey comics and stuff, but all of the hard-edged stroylines in Marvel comics like Civil War and Planet Hulk will remain. It's not like WB ever put a stop to Bane breaking Batman's back or Superman dying or whatever, even when they were pushing for family freindly Batman movies with Batman Forever and Batman and Robin. Disney won't either.

What I like is that now Marvel has access to Disney's world-wide network of entertainment. Finally, a reason to go to the Disney store! Imagine the Marvel crap they could sell in there. Imagine what Marvel attractions they could create at the Disney themeparks! And now Marvel has access to Disney animation. All that incredible cell animation work and Pixar's writing and computer animation team could be at Marvel's disposal. Much has been made of Pixar's John Lassiter's meating with Marvel execs discussing possible Marvel projects in the future and Lassiter reportedly becoming "very excited very fast". Now, all of this won't happen immediately, like you won't see a Pixar Thor movie anytime soon, but you will eventually.

In the meantime, relax. This could be very good. And if it's not, then you'll see a 20 page essay from me on why the worl sucks.

Deceptisean