WWE: How Rock vs. Cena highlights wrestling's downfall

First, I'd just like to say that there seems to be a lot to hype about right now if you're a hopeless geek. Sure, I'm livid at how Michael Bay is needlessly mauling TMNT. Yeah, movie theatres continue to plunge the entire movie industry down into oblivion. But after reading Stevenstein's thoughtful ode to Cena, I thought I'd plunge into the whole Rock vs. Cena event at Wrestlemania 28 (oh, I'm sorry, XXVIII -- what was I thinking?). Watching wrestling after a little bit of a hiatus, I'm a little shocked at what I'm seeing. First, take a look at the below clip (if you can stay awake long enough ...)








Phew, are you done? That must be the most boring promo I've ever seen! First of all, the entire clip is a whopping 15 minutes. So, that's 15 minutes where fans tuning into RAW don't see any actual wrestling.


Secondly, Cena talks about the Rock for a little over 6 minutes. Rock comes out, and he talks in even more monotone for another 5 minutes, then Cena does some bit about how Rock reads stuff off his arm, then the commentators do their level best to try and hype you about what you just saw. Now, I hate to be "that old guy", but when I was a kid I don't remember Hulk Hogan standing in a ring by himself talking in monotone about how he hates Ted DiBiasi. They did a minute long promo max with Mean Gene, followed by quick commentary from the colour commentators, and on with the show. What the hell happened to wrestling? Why must the entire show grind to a screeching halt as two doofs talk at a slow pace about how they dislike each other? Since when was this an entertaining and effective way to promote a rivalry to sell a pay-per-view match??


Third, Cena and Rock talking to each other is the best hype they can come up with to pump up this "rivalry"? All I see is two whiny bitches, essentially two grown men in their t-shirts and speedos flapping their jaws in a ring. This is a rivalry? I remember an episode of Raw back in the 90's that ended with Rock throwing Stone Cold off a bridge, then celebrating Stone Cold's death at the beginning of the next week's RAW. Now that's a rivalry. Hell I remember Earthquake giving Hogan seven "earthquakes" (a move where Earthquake, a giant fat dude, beat someone till they fell, then jumped on them landing his butt on their torso) and supposedly breaking Hogan's ribs, pumping up a match between those two. Heck, Rick Martel sprayed Jake the Snake Roberts and supposedly blinded him, setting up that confrontation. And all done without 15 minute talking sessions -- just quick action that had impact on the viewer and got the message across effectively. Oh, but look out -- Cena just interupted the Rock while he was trying to talk. Oh boy! All this looks like is two grown men acting like catty high school girls. Cena says something bad about Rock, Rock insults Cena back, Cena retaliates by making fun of Rock, and so on. But ... they're grown, muscled up men! Where the hell is the agression?? This is not Digrassi High, this is WWE. This is not World Talking Entertainment, this is World Wrestling Entertainment! They have to beat each other up! Someone has to get injured and work toward a speedy recovery and redemption at the WrestleMania match. Or something interesting at least!! I don't care about "mic work" anymore. Something cool has to happen. Someone has to beat the crap out of someone. None of this "Who's going to insult who" crap. And if you listen to wrestling fans, all of this talking crap has turned fans into girly high school chatty cathy bitches! And these are men! You hear guys rating insults, sizing up come backs -- what the hell? Nothing about "Did you see Rock elbow Cena in the face?? Damn!!! The officials ran in and held them back, but I wanna see them fight!" or "Man, Rock came in to help out CM Punk, but Cena ran in, picked up Rock and slammed him into the pavement!! Eff, that was frickin awesome!!! That match is gonna be insane!" No. It's "You can tell Rock was trying to think of something else to say, but Cena was too quick." Um . . . What. The. Hell. Is THAT!!?? It's not their fault, mind you. They watch wrestling and this is all they're being given to talk about. But it makes me long for the good ol' days where wrestlers fought each other, or offended each other through some sort of physical means, like Roddy Piper breaking a real coconut over Superfly Snuka's head, knocking him unconcious. I mean, does WWE really think they can compete against MMA with two guys talking to each other??


Anyhow...yeah, I'll still watch WrestleMania XXVIII. I have no will power.

So, I guess Vince McMahon wins...the bastard.

-Deceptisean

So, what exactly constitutes Good Hair?

I managed to see Good Hair on Friday. The wife and I were actually looking for Michael Moore’s latest, but apparently it’s no longer playing on any screens near us. But there was Good Hair, a documentary starring none other than Chris Rock, who in my estimation has always been a little more socially minded than most comics of his generation (if you haven’t seen it, you should track down CB4, a vicious harpooning of “gansta rap” that’s actually more relevant today than when it was made).

Good Hair is about the constant drive among African Americans and the media to straighten black hair, and why straight hair is referred to as “good” hair among blacks. It’s something I’ve always been curious about too, and Chris happened upon the subject (as we’re shown in the movie) when his 3 year old daughter asked him why she didn’t have good hair, being born with naturally nappy hair. It’s amazing to think that we just accept Black people with super-straight, long, flowing hair as natural when we watch music video divas and such and we forget that they weren’t born with hair like that.

Chris takes us into some sort of hair styling competition, a trade show for black hair products (a multi-billion dollar industry) and the inner workings of the industry (with a lot of the companies run happily by African Americans). He also goes to India where Indians shave their heads for religious ceremonies not knowing that their hair is worth millions and is turned into weaves sold in the U.S. (there’s one scene where an Indian man is lugging a suitcase full of $15,000 of hair around L.A., selling to salons). And there’s a hilarious scene where Chris is in a barber shop and asks the men there if not being able to touch a black woman’s hair (because black women straighten or wear weaves that are not to be touched) drives black men to white women. One dude gets up and shouts “Yes!” and makes this big speech while other men are trying to shush him up and a bunch of women start getting mad. The camera cuts to Chris and he starts laughing.

A lot of this film rides on Chris Rock’s capable shoulders. He’s a very easy going guy, not too aggressive, and he’s not out to make fun of people or make them feel bad. He’s just showing us this side of the African American experience and asking why we have to subject black girls (some as young as 3) to the painful process of straightening (a.k.a. relaxing) hair. There’s one scene where Chris gets a chemist to do some experiments with the chemical used in “relaxing” black hair. The chemist dips aluminum Pepsi cans (I’m sure Pepsi was happy with this) into vats of these chemicals, and they’re completely eaten through! Heck, one can actually turns transparent before crumbling (reminding me of the “transparent aluminum” from Star Trek IV, but I digress). They show the effects of the chemical if it’s left on the scalp for too long (too long being a minute or 2) and there are these thick scabs burned into peoples’ skin. And they put this on children to straighten their hair! Chris talks about why straight hair is glorified in society while kinky or nappy hair is seen as “not put together” and “neat” enough.

It’s odd to me, after seeing decades of African Americans screaming about certain things oppressing them like “black-face” or gansta’ rap portraying young black men as killers and the like, to see African Americans on the whole at total peace with seeing their own natural hair they were born with be politicized and perceived as “dirty” and running out and undergoing painful processes to achieve more “European” or “Asian” looking hair. And this is practically across the board. I never in this documentary see anyone express regret about that, nor did I see anyone try to come up with a solution, like maybe coming up with a new hairstyle involving natural African American hair. If anything, most of what’s talked about by the people Chris interviews is one subject: money. How much certain styles and weaves cost, how much the industry makes, how much company X makes, how much certain countries make off of America’s hunger for weaves, etc. In many ways, I think it’s good that Chris Rock made this film because I don’t think there had been any serious dialogue about this subject before this film came out.

Anyhow, this is an interesting documentary. Catch it when it comes out on DVD.

3/5

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-Deceptisean