Saturday, December 24, 2011

A Game of Nonsense

So, the first Sherlock Holmes movie was alright.  Not great, not anything that will resonate throughout history, not even what you would call a good Sherlock Holmes movie, at least based on the literary character, but next to this assmeat of a movie, the original Sherlock Holmes is an endearing classic that will be handed down from generation to generation.  This movie is frigging terrible.

Where to begin?  The plot.  Good lord, the plot.  It drags like nobody's business.  This movie is over 2 hours long.  Let me repeat, 2 HOURS LONG.  What happens in those 2 hours?  Not 2 hours worth of movie.  In fact, I don't really know what the movie is about.  I can tell you what happens in it and Moriarty's part is simple to the point of ludicrous (more on that later), but this movie is so damned convoluted, I cannot tell you what is going on in this movie.  Basically, you're just following Robert Downey Jr. around.  That's it.  This movie should have been called 'Robert Downey Jr.: A Game of Shadows", because it is not Sherlock Holmes.  It isn't anything!  I don't know what this is!  It's just a mess.  You're just following Downey Jr. as he goes from location to location, with no rhyme or reason, just whatever.  "I'm going here now!"  Oh, okay.  It's all explained, but it's such a confusing mess, that it really doesn't even matter what the explanation is.  It's still crap.

Now, let's go on to Moriarty.  He's supposed to be on par with Sherlock as far as smarts goes (at least, that's what the movie would have you believe).  Yet, his plan is so ridiculously simplistic, so beneath what the character should do, I can't believe they actually filmed this.  It would be the same as not knowing what Darth Vader's plot was in Star Wars.  Okay, maybe not quite that bad, but it's bad.  Like, it's like going through seven locked rooms full of traps to get a cup of tea.  All the supposed machinations and complications of Moriarty, the end result is just insanely not worth the journey.  Not to mention that Moriarty himself shows up only occasionally in the film and made no impression on me as a character whatsoever.  At times I forgot Moriarty was in the movie.  AT TIMES, I FORGOT THAT MORIARTY WAS IN THE MOVIE AND WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE VILLAIN!  I wasn't high or drunk or anything either, but obviously whoever made this film was!

Let's move on to the other characters.  Downey Jr. was alright, but he's charismatic anyway.  Jude Law as Watson...what's the deal with that guy, anyway?  It seems at times he can't stand Holmes and it really seems he doesn't respect Holmes at all.  I don't think that's accurate to the character in a literary sense, I thought Watson was supposed to have deep respect for Holmes' deductive abilities.  That's why he writes about him, for crying out loud!  Watson here, he doesn't seem to even like Holmes?  Why would he waste life and limb for him!  Rachel McAdams shows up briefly in the film (and I'm glad only briefly, I didn't really like her character, either).  Noomi Rapace (the Swedish Girl in the Dragon Tattoo star) is a gypsy and she has something to do with something with the plot, but who knows what the hell's going on anyway, so she's wasted.  The guy who played Moriarty, what an ineffective presence, the times he shows up, he's not impressive in any way, shape or form, your Aunt Sally would have been a better Moriarty.

I am not wasting one more second writing about this piece of garbage.  You can see it if you want, but don't say I didn't warn you.

Rating: 1 out of 5 stars.

- Stephenstein

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