What's so difficult about writing Superman?

I just read the synopsis of the upcoming Zack Snyder epic Superman: The Man of Steel. It goes something like this:



“In the pantheon of superheroes, Superman is the most recognized and revered character of all time. Clark Kent/Kal-El (Cavill) is a young twentysomething journalist who feels alienated by powers beyond anyone's imagination. Transported to Earth years ago from Krypton, an advanced alien planet, Clark struggles with the ultimate question - Why am I here? Shaped by the values of his adoptive parents Martha (Lane) and Jonathan Kent (Costner), Clark soon discovers that having super abilities means making very difficult decisions. But when the world needs stability the most, it comes under attack. Will his abilities be used to maintain peace or ultimately used to divide and conquer? Clark must become the hero known as "Superman," not only to shine as the world's last beacon of hope but to protect the ones he loves.”


It sounds like an origin story for today’s “if it’s too fantastical, I can’t relate” audience. It also sounds suspiciously like we’ll be treated to a full hour of Clark moping around trying to figure out if he should or shouldn’t become Superman. I shake my head. This synopsis reminds me of the oft quoted anonymous “WB insider” during the 90’s and the early part of the last decade when they’re quoted as saying something to the effect of “do you think it’s easy to write Superman? It’s not!”. Of course, this proclamaition would often be made through years of debacles like the failed Superman Reborn (where Superman dies and Lois absorbs his life essence and literally gives birth to a new Superman, placenta and all!), Superman Lives (in which Superman runs around in a black, capeless costume devoid of powers for most of the film so Kenner can sell toy versions of the resulting gadgets and devices that Superman would use to duplicate his powers) and after the much maligned Superman Returns (where Superman is a dead-beat dad, whiney bitch that wants undeserved attention from everyone, and creepy stalker of Lois Lane). Is it really that hard to write Superman? Really? No. No it’s not. In addition to the countless comics that were produced during the time between Superman IV: The Quest For Peace and Superman Returns, there were many live action and animated Superman productions successfully mounted by everyone but WB's film division. They could do it, why couldn't the film guys? I give you Exhibit A:




List of Superman productions between Superman IV: The Quest For Peace (1987) and Superman Returns (2006):


Superman (Ruby Spears animated series) (1988)


Superboy (1988-1992)


Lois and Clark: The Adventures of Superman (1993-1997)


Superman: The Animated Series (1996-2000)


Smallville (2001-2011)


Superman: Brainiac Attacks (2006)




Significant appearances/starring episodes:


Justice League (2001-2004)


Justice League Unlimited (2004-2006)


After Superman Returns, the colossal brains at WB film wondered why that movie underwhelmed at the box office. They still struggled with what stories to tell with Superman and nearly declared the Superman property to be unworkable. Meanwhile, the comics still turned out story after story and Warner Animation still chugged along, producing a Superman movie almost every year since. Is it difficult to write Superman? No. I give you Exhibit B:


List of Superman productions since Superman Returns:


Superman: Doomsday (2007)


Superman/Batman: Public Enemies (2009)


Superman/Batman: Apocalypse (2010)


All-Star Superman (2011)


Superman vs. The Elite (coming in 2012)



Significant appearances:


Justice League: The New Frontier (2008)


Justice League: Crisis on Two Earths (2010)


Justice League: Doom (coming in 2012)




Um, these guys can do it. So, what’s the problem?

-Deceptisean

The Green Buffoon

Now, I confess...I've never watched the television show, nor heard the radio show. However, the television show had Bruce Lee...so that counts for something, right? The trailers looked good, and I know a few of the guys were jacked for this film. Unfortunately, it does not live up to standards, at least in my book.

The problem begins with Seth Rogen. In fact, he is the major problem of this movie. I felt like I was watching Seth Rogen's Green Hornet...instead of what I thought the Green Hornet either would be, or should be. The trailers made it look like he's a party-boy ass, and then his father dies, and he straightens out, and becomes the Green Hornet. Well yes, he is a party-boy ass, and yes, he becomes The Green Hornet after his father dies...but he's still an ass. He's just an ass who is now the Green Hornet. He played the character for laughs far too much, and the problem is, and this has been consistent, Seth Rogen just is not funny. He thinks saying crude or stupid things in a smart-aleck way is funny...but it's not. Most of the time, it's annoying. I didn't like him as Britt Reid...he is better as The Green Hornet, but he's an incompetent schmuck...this is even mentioned in the film!

Kato is better, and I like Jay Chou, but his character also suffers under the script. Kato appears to be trying to be more cool and hip in this movie, which instead just makes him seem a tad pathetic. I also did not like Kato's relationship with Britt Reid. He has too much fun at Kato's expense, and one of the big fight scenes in the movie involves Kato fighting Britt! Why are they fighting? The rest of the cast in non-descript. Cameron Diaz is the obligatory girl both our heroes are panting after, Christop Waltz is fine as the main villain, but doesn't have a lot to do, and becomes sort of a caricature of a villain by the end of the film. There are a couple of surprise cameos, but overall, the cast struggles under the crappy writing.

The plot is pretty pedestrian. I wasn't expecting it to be any great guns, so it didn't really bother me, but I don't like The Green Hornet being so stupid! Cameron Diaz is the brains of their operation! They have no idea what they're doing! Like...I thought Seth Rogen got rid of Stephen Chow because he wanted too much comedy? But I think it's more along the lines that Rogen didn't want an Asian comedian upstaging him. That's why he went with Chou, who plays along with the Rogen's mugging, and stupidity.

I will say that the last 15 minutes of the movie were pretty good, and should have been the whole movie. The action shots are clear, and you can see what's going on. I liked the Kato vision, and Chou has some pretty nice moves. The Black Beauty was sick beyond belief...that car was the real star of the movie! The Green Hornet and Kato appear in costume more than usual for an American super-hero movie, so that's a plus as well. I don't want it to seem like I hated this movie...I didn't. However, I think the potential was greater than the end product that was produced.

Rating: 3 out of 5 stars (would have been 2.5, but Black Beauty was too good, and the action in the last 15 minutes saved the movie).

- Stephenstein

Halloween Costumes: a mask and a bib are all you need...

With Halloween fast approaching, I thought I’d examine an industry that has greatly improved over the decades. If you go to the Disney store or anywhere else for that matter, you’ll see Halloween costumes that have authentic materials and actually look like the licensed characters they’re supposed to portray. But if you were growing up in the 60’s, 70’s and 80’s, chances are you wore a crappy costume from either Ben Cooper, Halco or Collegeville. How crappy? Well, it’s amazing to think that a hard plastic mask with a fragile elastic band and what amounts to a garbage bag with simply the character’s picture on it to cover your torso were the norm for literally decades, but they were. Kids never complain when they donned their Batman mask with a plastic bib displaying a graphic of Batman doing an action pose. Nowadays, costumes are far more sophisticated with the costume actually looking like the character rather than a walking billboard advertisement for them.

These costumes were uber popular for decades, but really – they were still garbage bag grade plastic draped over your body. So, why were they the dominant force in Halloween attire for so long? Simple: they were cheap and they were everywhere! Ben Cooper, Halco and Collegeville were the masters of mass production. And they licensed the crap out of just about anything you can think of. Sure, there were Peanuts, Bugs Bunny, Superman and other bread-and-butter mainstays, but there was also Small Wonder, Krull, Fire and Ice and Scott Baio costumes, just to mention a few. So come with me now on a trip down memory lane, to a time when your breath would liquify in your semi-toxic hard plastic mask and your garbage bag costume would flap in the cold wind on a Halloween night.

First off, costumes that aren't that bad:

As you can see, some of the costumes actually looked like what they were supposed to. For all you kids of the 90's and 2000's, yes, Freddy was marketed to kids. These were the 80's. Every R-rated movie was marketed to kids because everybody knew they were watching. Oh, and for the uninitiated, the dude up top is Max Ray from the Centurions cartoon and toy line. But that's not the most random costume.

There were many more costumes based on video-games. But these might be two of my favourites (aside from the Missile Command costume, the mask of which I can't find a picture of -- was it a missile on your face or something?). Q*Bert was already the subject of cartoons and colouring books, etc. at this time, but here he gets the typical plaster-a-graphic-of-the-character-on-a-bib treatment common to these costumes. And Asteroids! I mean, you're basically making a costume on an abstract concept. There are no characters in that game. The mask is a frickin' asteroid for eff sakes! What was everybody thinking when they made this costume??

And what kid wants to dress up as Jackie Kennedy wearing a sweater?? (and no, I'm not joking. That really is a costume of Jackie Kennedy wearing a sweater).

Ah, the ever famous costume of Tattoo from Fantasy Island. I can just see kids in the Woolworth agonizing over whether to get the Spider-Man costume or this gem. Truth be told, Fantasy Island was a hit with the kiddies. But then again most everything was when your parents watched stuff like Love Boat and St. Elsewhere and you had no choice in the matter. sigh

I know My Little Pony was popular and all, but what girl wants to be a horse?

Yes folks, kids could even dress up as their favourite food, although why you would pick peas over candy to dress up as is anyone's guess.

Even sitcoms were not free from the wrath of Halloween costume licensing. Small Wonder is relatively obscure today but was inexplicably popular for about 6 months. That said, Tiffany Brissette should sue for this likeness. Not only is she creepy, but she looks 47.

Remember when Rambo walked around with a shirt that had a picture of himself on it? Yeah, me neither.

Today, due to their camp value and the fact that they represented any and every fad in pop-culture in their time, these costumes are heavily prized possessions on the collectors’ market and have risen in price over the years. Sure, you can get masks of this era (some of which are actually pretty cool looking) for a couple bucks on e-Bay, but others, like the 60’s Spider-Man costume fetch upwards of $100.

These sites have a bunch of cool pictures of more costumes. Some are quite good, but a majority are too astonishing for words:

http://www.retrocrush.com/archive2003/costumes/

Worst costumes ever! EVER!:

http://www.retrocrush.com/costumes/

A scan of the 1980 Ben Cooper catalog:

http://www.plaidstallions.com/bencooper/index.html

Until next time,

Deceptisean