Missed this one in the theatre, as well. That's right, I am making up for all past wrongs! Pretty soon, a guy named Mike Phillips is going to have me knocking on his door, demanding "why did you pick on me all that time in high school? WHY? What did I ever do to you?" before collapsing into a sobbing heap at his feet. Yes, that will surely intimidate him.
So, this is one that it was wise we didn't end up paying money for. Why? It just doesn't work. Maybe the original doesn't, either (I somehow doubt it though, considering George A. Romero made it, and he is the MAN), but this remake just didn't do it for me. Why? I'll explain.
Firstly, this film was made in the wrong time period. When Romero made it in the 70's, America was just getting around to the idea that hey, maybe our government really isn't that good! Maybe they don't have our best interests at heart! Maybe the army is a bunch of macho idiots who can't do anything right, and would panic and shoot their own citizens at a moment's notice! Stuff that would be really, you know, revolutionary and thought provoking in that era. Nowadays, we know the government is corrupt. We know the army is their enforcers, and the ideals they stood for no longer has the quote unquote "higher moral" ground. We know all this, there's been a gazillion movies on this theme. Well, now it's a gazillion and one. Hardly a feature that makes it stand out.
Number 2, what really makes an effective horror film is a) a really neat story, or b) a really neat or charasmatic monster, or c) funny, interesting teens that at least keep us entertained while the bad guy slices them to bits, or best of all d) all of the above. This film does not have any letter of the alphabet. I will give them this, there's no long lead-up, people are crazy like 4 minutes into the film, but if there's no buildup or establishment of the characters, than you need a lot of crazy (pardon the pun) action, or extreme gore, or something. It' just paint by the numbers (the sheriff realizes something is wrong, the sheriff grabs his doctor wife, conveniently, neither are affected, the army moves in, it becomes a question of avoiding the Crazies and the military, sheriff, wife, and hangers-on look for a way out, people die). There's nothing there you haven't seen before, and it was done better before. This is just mediocre, run-of-the-mill stuff.
Finally, 3rd point, if you're going to make a horror movie, at least have some good deaths. There's nothing. Most people die off-screen, the one potentially tense scene, where people are tied to beds, and a Crazie is walking around, impaling people with a pitchfork, is partially ruined by the filming technique. Crazy lifts up pitchfork, and then the next shot, pitchfork goes through bottom of the bed. Wow. You know you're in trouble, when your Aunt Selma can watch the horror film with you. It was pretty watered down, no gore, no suspense, just Timothy Olyphant, Radha Mitchell, and the supporting actors running from one spot to the next.
So, I would not bother with this one, or if you're feeling that my review has peaked your interest (which I doubt), find a way to watch it for free. Better yet, watch the original...it's probably better.
Rating 2.5 out of 5 stars.
I bid thee a fond goodnight.
- Stephenstein
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