The only man who can solve the worlds problems is a…

Hobo With a Shotgun.


Rutger Hauer stars in this Troma movie with a budget. Now it’s not actually a Troma movie, but it may as well be. Troma – is a studio in New Jersey that makes schlock horror movies that are truly sick. Killing kids is not frowned upon in Tromaville, so you have to know what you are getting into.
This movie was rated R – not since 2005 (confirmed by the ticket taker at the theatre – I asked him) has a film been rated R. R means NO ONE under 18 AT ALL. You may think, hey, wasn’t Hostel, or Grindhouse rated R – nope, they were 18A – which means if you are under 18 you can go with an adult (someone who is 18 or older), but this baby was R!


After seeing it I can tell you it’s definitely worth the R rating. This is the sickest, goriest film I have ever seen in the theatre – not counting Troma movies that are usually straight to video. I mean Citizen Toxie, or the first Toxic Avenger are just as bad, or worse, than this movie, in terms of violence.


The plot is that Rutger shows up in town and within 5 mins of arriving sees a man decapitated in broad daylight while the villains girlfriend bathes in the blood of the severed head. Nice. No one helps this guy and Hobo (Rutger) tries to ignore it and move on. Then he sees other nasty stuff and just cant take it anymore. He gets a shotgun and decides to kill off these bad people – oh yeah, the cops are all pretty much bad too! So the entire film is Hobo killing these awful people.


So basically I loved this movie. Rutger plays it straight! He is a homeless guy who becomes a vigilante and really destroys villains. Now these villains are really nasty. I mean in once scene a school bus full of kids gets torched by the main villain while they play “Disco Inferno” on their stereos. There’s a child molesting Santa, and a guy who films bum-fights. There are all sorts of despicable people that really get wasted in the worse ways in this film. So if you wanna see really bad people get killed in blood-splattering ways, then this is the movie to see.


I also really liked Rutger’s performance. He was actually really good and I really liked his character. The hooker in the movie, who Hobo saves, was really cool too. The good people in this movie were just as good as the bad were bad. Really well done and I’m glad that this first time film maker actually made a good movie and not like Blair Witch – which was a bunch of crap.


Congrats to Jason Eisner for this epic masterpiece of gore and violence!


I love the end credits too – they play “Run with Us” the theme from the cartoon show “The Raccoons!”


Go see this bad boy!


5/5


J-Man.

Gamera!!!!!!!

Gamera Vs Barugon. Continuing my Monster Movie Mondays starring Gamera. So this is the second one in the series and its really well done! The story is actually really cool! This has to be in the top storylines of a monster movie! These guys go in search of an Opal that is worth 4 million bucks. One of the guys found it during the war and hid it in a cave. Twenty years later, he and his brother and 2 friends have to find the opal. Problem is, that he cannot walk – due to a war injury, so he must rely on his brother and his 2 buddies to find it. The opal is near a village of primitives that warn not to go into the caves, of course they do, they find the opal, and then get betrayed by one of the friends. The brother survives and teams up with the local hottie villager that explains that the opal was in fact an egg that will hatch and mutate into Barugon. From that point on, it’s the usual fair, BUT we get more of the story of the betrayer guy and the 2 brothers and the village girl. I liked the characters for once and also Barugon is pretty cool. One other cool thing, there wasn’t too much cutting away when the monster fight started. Usually in these movies they go back and forth between the humans and the monsters, but this one didn’t do it too much. 5/5 J-Man.

The toy's are back in town.

Toy Story 3. If you loved TS and TS2 then this is sure to please. I have to say that in a series that is so amazing, it seems to be getting better and better. TS2 was just amazing, and this one is really great. This has to be one of the best animated films of all time. If I had seen this in theatres it would be in the top 2 of last year. Basically Tron Legacy and Toy Story 3 were the best films of the year. Towards the end of this film, I was getting really nervous, I wasn’t sure what was going to happen and I felt more emotion towards the toys than any other living character in any movie of last year. What a great series this is, truly one of the best trilogies of all time. 5/5 J-Man.

Sucker Punch this!

J-Man has already more than adequately reviewed this movie, so I won't be doing that. Instead, I'm just going to discuss some of the reviews I've read about the movie. If you haven't seen it, you may find it informative. If you have seen it and liked it, or haven't and aren't going to bother, it may amuse you. If you've seen it and hated it, this is directed at you, so do us a favour and for once, pay attention.

A lot of reviews about this film seem to have 3 main problems:

1. The storyline made no sense.

2. The girls were dressed provocatively, thus making it akin to porn.

3. The action was over-the-top and visually uninspiring

Okay...[cracking knuckles]...here goes...

1. The storyline made no sense. Okay, I don't get it. Why? Maybe Snyder should have inserted title cards stating "Babydoll is now imagining being in a world where she and the girls are fighting Nazis"? I mean, I hear all the time how audiences are more sophisticated and you can't talk to them as if they're dumb. Then a movie like this comes out and people prove their dumb. I mean, everyone loved Inception. That was a dream within a dream within a dream within a dream. I didn't hear a lot of "I don't get it" from that movie. I heard a lot of people say the movie "blew their mind" (which is funny because the movie is basically using Chapter 1 of Psychology 101), but I don't get this "I don't get it" nonsense. It's simple really:

Babydoll imagines the she and the other girls are in a brothel, partly because it's a good simile to her current situation and also because it helps her deal with her situation. Plus, it's more interesting, visually. When she has to dance for someone, her mind goes into an even more outlandish setting and represents the battles she feel she has to overcome to achieve her specific goals.

There. 3 sentences explained it. A lot easier than say explaining a David Lynch movie (which everyone loves) or sometimes even a Darren Arofnofsky film (who has been bequeathed the great white hope by the clowns currently cluttering the internet). So, help me understand...what exactly don't you get?

2. The movie was porn. Noooooooo. As J-Man pointed out, there's no kissing, no sex. There may have been a rape attempt, but even that was heavily open to interpretation. If that's someone's idea of porn, I'd hate to see their reaction to real porn. Oh wait...I get it! It's because the girls are dressed all sexy!

Well, that's pretty much every Japanese anime/manga. Which are hyper-popular on both sides of the Earth. You think it sucks? Well, in my opinion, Japanese anime has a far more loyal following than North American animation. It's more profitable, goes on forever and from what I've seen, never diminishes in quality. No one is dying over how their characters are dressed and sometimes it's even skimpier than what you see in this movie. You want to tell the Japanese you find their stuff to be porn? Be my guest. They've just been totally destroyed by earthquakes, nuclear meltdowns and tsunamis. I'm sure they'd be more than receptive to your cheap opinion.

Oh, by the way, North America also has their actresses dress all slutty and no one cares. How about Chicago, Moulin Rouge, Nine, Sin City, Transformers 1 & 2, Basic Instinct, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Dollhouse, to name just a few off the top of my head. Most of these movies or television shows are extremely popular and I didn't see the big flag-waving there about how the ladies were dressing.

3. The action was over-the-top and uninspiring. Yes, I have to admit, you could see the action in this movie. It wasn't done in the style today of putting a camera on the ground and punting it across a parking lot. Actually, the WWII war scene was shot in a frantic style, so I wouldn't say even this movie was completely clean, but it was still better than 99 percent of what I'm seeing. Nope, people today enjoy the style of Battle LA (or BLA as J-Man called it, which I think is the best way to think of that movie), where you can see nothing. That's exciting. I love it when I can't see anything or tell what's going on. That's great. How about I just give you $10 and close my eyes through the movie and then leave. That's what it turns out being.

The movie has lots of Slo-Mo though and that's bad. I mean, no popular films ever have slo-mo. Hard Boiled doesn't have slo-mo. Face/Off doesn't have slo-mo. Resident Evil 4 doesn't have slo-mo. Hell, The Matrix? Nope, they didn't have shots where the action didn't just slow down, but stopped entirely while the camera revolved around the picture. Nope, didn't happen. All part of my imagination. As for the over-the-top comment, go see any foreign or Hong Kong movie...go see an Indian film named Enthiran. Oh wait, that would involve you actually have to delve outside your North American "I only watch movies made after 2007" mentality, wouldn't it? Well, if you bothered, you would see the meaning of "over-the-top". You would also see the meaning of "really good."

So, that's my rebuttal to the common critiques of this movie. For all those out there who complain about about movies not being imaginative enough, here's your movie. For those who like "realism", avoid it. Or sit out on your front stoop. Then you can have all the realism you want.

- Stephenstein

Be a sucker.

SUCKER PUNCH

Zack Snyder has brought us some great films, 300 and Watchmen. Watchmen is my third favourite movie of all time and 300 is one of the best visual experiences I have ever had. I saw that film 3 times in the theatre and it still amazes me. His new film, Sucker Punch is fantastic action/fantasy that has a nice little message in it too. To describe this movie would be difficult only because there is so much greatness in it. I can tell you what’s not in it, that may help, there is no goofy love story, no sex, or kissing or even a love interest, no cheesy one-liners, and no unnecessary scenes. What it has is a lot fantasy, imagination, and whole lot of action!

Imagination today basically amounts to everyone hating the movie. What the hell happened to the days of the visual experience? I don’t mean to say that you can ignore plot and story – but sometimes stories don’t need to be complex. Take Raiders of the Lost Ark. Inidiana Jones has to find the Ark. That’s it. That’s the story. But the characters, situations, and action is what makes that film one of the best of all time, and what continues to excite audiences. 2001 is a very artistic film that has no narrative and it forces you to contemplate everything that happens, well Sucker Punch is somewhere in between those films.

Everyone has been hating on this film for no reason other than the fact that they cannot understand what is going on. Well, it’s very simple. It’s about a girl who is put into an insane asylum and needs to escape within 5 days or else she will be lobotomized. She does so by using her imagination to create a fantasy world where her and her friends are superheroes fighting Orcs, Zombies, steam-powered German soldiers, Stone Samurai and futuristic Robots. I know that what I said may sound confusing, but it’s not. How can all these fantastical elements be in one movie? Easy, SHE IS IMAGINING THEM! It’s in her MIND people, so anything can happen.

Every action scene is from one genre of film, so you are basically getting 5 mini films. What’s funny is that Zack has made each of those mini films, better, for the genre, then actual full length films that come out. The Samurai battle, for example, is better than any of the Hollywood ninja stuff that has come out. Fighting robots on a moving train while Saturn in the background is cooler than any other Science Fiction film that has come out in a long time. So basically, these scenes offer more in 5-10 mins that most feature length films do.

These action sequences are the best part of the movie, as expected, but there is a lot of drama and a good story. People are criticizing the story, but I actually liked it! There were also some surprising moments, which I wont reveal, but I found the drama to be quite good! The opening sequence is a silent 3-4 mins where we learn Babydoll’s family history and if you have seen Watchmen, and remember the opening credits (where we learn the history of the world with superheroes in it) then you will recall how great that sequence is, and this one is similar (not better though).

And Ladies – you are good to go too. He doesn’t sexualize these girls. Point – they are showgirls that perform for “clients” but they are never shown dancing at all, and even when Babydoll does her enchanting dance, we don’t see her dance, instead we fade to an action sequence. So the women out there shouldn’t be offended by the girls in this movie, because they are just really cool girls that kick ass.

This is the best film of the year EASY and I think it may stay that way unless Conan blows my mind. Zack is a visionary and has a great imagination, so lets support this guy and go see this thing. Oh and the message of the movie – you have the power to do whatever you want, you have the tools – your mind and your imagination – go use them.

5/5

J-Man.

Shadows on the wall.

Paranormal Activity 2.

This is a prequel to Paranormal Activity 1, at least for the first three quarters of the film, then the last quarter actually continues from part 1. So to get the full Paranormal Activity experience you should watch part 2, then stop at the point they mention the first film, watch the first film, then put part 2 back in to finish it off.

Something funny to note. These films are pretending to be “real” which is problematic – why keep the camera’s rolling? But ignoring that, we get a message from Paramount Pictures thanking the families for allowing us to view their footage, thus reinforcing the “real” tone of the film. Too bad that after the movie ends they have credits that include “costume designer” etc. That just made me laugh a bit.

Anyway, this movie is the same as part 1 in the sense that you have to wait a long time for something to happen. I don’t much like ghost movies and I like realistic ones even less. I don’t believe in ghosts so a door opening all by itself isn’t scary to me at all. Also, the jumps that happen in this movie amount to nothing. I like when you jump and then someone gets their head cut off. Like scaring me into jumping is fine if there is a payoff, otherwise it just gets annoying.

I have a proposal to the makers of this film, or to anyone who has the time or inclination to do it, why not drop the first 30-40 mins of both films, then splice them together to make one good movie, instead of 2 ok ones. There is some ok stuff here, like when the girl gets dragged down the stairs – although I found it amusing. I also like when the girl from part one kills the father, he was a douche.

But overall, this movie and the first are just ok. If you really believe in spirits you will probably think this is pretty scary. But waiting around for a shadow to cross over someone is not interesting to me, or scary. I know it’s fake, so who cares. If it was real, then why not just show me the cool parts, and not them talking at the pool about crap I don’t care about. It would be like watching Friday the 13th, but all the campers talk for 40 mins then one person see a bloody axe. Then another 10 mins pass and someone finally gets killed and then the movie is over.

2.5/5

J-Man.

The Flying Turtle!

Gamera: The Giant Monster

Everyone who reads this blog knows I love giant monster movies (Kaiju), so it’s no surprise that I own every Gamera movie (pronounced Ghaa-Merhah). So over the next little while I will be on a Gamera marathon, along with my regular movie reviews. Before I begin with the first Gamera movie let me share this Roger Ebert quote from his Gamera: Guardian of the Universe review. He basically states what I have always believed.

“There's a learning process that moviegoers go through. They begin in childhood without sophistication or much taste, and for example, like ``Gamera'' more than ``Air Force One'' because flying turtles are obviously more entertaining than United States presidents. Then they grow older and develop ``taste,'' and prefer ``Air Force One,'' which is better made and has big stars and a more plausible plot. (Isn't it more believable, after all, that a president could single-handedly wipe out a planeload of terrorists than that a giant turtle could spit gobs of flame?) Then, if they continue to grow older and wiser, they complete the circle and return to ``Gamera'' again, realizing that while both movies are preposterous, the turtle movie has the charm of utter goofiness--and, in an age of flawless special effects, it is somehow more fun to watch flawed ones.”

Full review:
http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/19970829/REVIEWS/708290303/1023

So basically I agree with what Ebert is saying here, but I would even go a step further in saying that these movies are good – PERIOD. Not “so bad they’re good” just plain good. Actually I think their GREAT! I love them! Not in a joking way either, I mean I love them!

Finally on to Gamera. Now this is the first of 12 Gamera films, Gamera, for those not in the know, is a giant flying turtle. He is not to be confused with Godzilla, but he was sort of his competition. Anyway this first film is in black and white and its your basic fare. Airplanes crash in the arctic and awake Gamera. He cause damage and the army and scientists cannot find a way to defeat him.

The effects are good, just think Godzilla, only Godzilla is a bit better, but the cool thing about this movie is how they defeat Gamera in the end. I wont give it away, but they come up with the mysterious Plan Z (or Z Plan – as it is sometimes subtitled). Just let me tell you that it is a brilliant way to defeat a giant monster.

Check this out when you can.

5/5 – note I give all Kaiju 5/5 – except that piece of crap Cloverfield.

J-Man.

To infinity and beyond!

Toy Story 2.

Yes, I am finally seeing Toy Story 2 (not 3, but 2).

I loved TS1 and part 2 may even be better! So much happens, that it’s hard to cover it here, but if you remember the first one, Buzz was the new toy and Woody was the old toy and it was about new things taking the place of old. But this one is about a collector who is searching for the old. You see Woody is a collector’s item along with his fellow toys in the Woody’s Roundup Set, which includes a cowgirl, a prospector and Woody’s horse.

So Woody is taken by the collector and Buzz has to go find him. That’s just the basic plot, its so much more than that. If you haven’t seen this for whatever reason you should just go buy it. In fact, go buy all the Toy Stories right now before Disney takes them away!

ps - just buy all the pixar movies - i have yet to see a bad one.

5/5

J-Man.

Twice the fun.

Twins.

Never saw this till now. Good movie! I thought it would be just ok, or whatever, but I actually ended up really liking it.

Arnie and Devito play twins and it is explained in the beginning that they actually are twins, its not a big “reveal” at the end or anything, so that’s cool. They were an experiment and Arnie grew up on an island and Devito grew up in the city and became a small time crook.

So Arnie goes in search of Devito and hi-jinks commence. Fun movie with a nice little story and some heart.

3.5/5

J-Man.

They should stick with Edgar Wright

I really like Shaun of the Dead. I really like Hot Fuzz. So, despite the fact this movie looked like a potential crapfest like most comedies these days, I gave this one a chance.

It started out pretty good. I like Nick Frost and Simon Pegg going around, doing stuff. Even though it was set in America, so you figure it will not be clever as American comedies have to beat you over the head in order to make you laugh, I figured that with these two guys here playing British "nerds", it wouldn't be so bad.

Then we're introduced to Paul. Okay, Seth Rogen is voicing Paul so you know the character isn't going to be a saint. Paul is a foul-mouthed, pot-smoking raunchy little alien, but that's to be expected considering who they chose to do the voice. Okay? Then we bring Kristin Wiig (who is currently on SNL) onboard. Kristin plays a goody-two shoes who is jolted out of her religious beliefs by the existence of Paul. What follows is she throws over her beliefs and decides to "live". She starts swearing all the time, smokes up, talks about having sex all the time...and this is supposed to be funny.

Let me make this very clear. I am particular about what I find funny. If someone is doing something ridiculous or weird or the situation makes them look like something they're not (i.e. situational comedy), I like that. I don't like being stupid and that's supposed to be funny. I don't like The Hangover, 40 Year Old Virgin, Knocked Up, American Pie, any of those movies. I don't like people swearing for the sake of swearing or getting loaded or being graphic about sex and that's just supposed to be funny on its own. I like clever. We don't get clever anymore it seems, unless it's British comedy. This movie isn't clever. I thought it might be, but it isn't.

Then they pick up Blythe Danner and they make her swear and mention weed and all that. Apparently, these are the only two punchlines they can think of in this movie. Yes, it's funny that an older lady drops the F-bomb and bemoans her weed being destroyed in a blast. That's funny. No, it's stupid. That in itself isn't funny. If they set it up better, if they made it more interesting, I could see it working. They don't, though. There's no artistry in the setup anymore, it's just here, someone's acting against societal norms, laugh. Problem is, I know a lot of people who behave that way, now. The novelty has worn off.

I did like Jason Bateman though, and I liked his work with the two junior officers below him. It was okay and a nice break from Kristin Wiig and Paul. Honestly, if you're going to make a movie about a little alien, make him endearing or something. Maybe Earth corrupted him or whatever, but Paul is just whatever to me. Whether he succeeds in his mission or not is of little consequence to me. Maybe that's the biggest criticism of all.

Rating: 2.5 out of 5 stars.

- Stephenstein

The state of the union distress

***Rant Alert***

I'm not going to review Battle: Los Angeles. Firstly, J-Man has already covered everything in his posts. Secondly, I don't want to waste time writing about the movie. It's horrible. That's it. However, I want to touch on something to do with Battle: Los Angeles. The critical reviews.

Rotten Tomatoes is one of the best known websites for compiling critical reviews. Overall, it garnered a 32% score. While this is means that most critics found this movie awful, I was disturbed. 32% means 1 in 3 critics LIKED this movie. To draw a comparison, Skyline, a far superiour movie received a 16% rating. Season of the Witch, a movie I liked this year and would own, received a 5% rating. Shocked beyond even expletives, I read some of the positive reviews.

"While there's no subtlety here, this remains surprisingly gripping throughout and boasts three-dimensional characters and well executed action scenes."

"Action packed with a solid performance from Aaron Eckhart and a large dollop of patriotism."

"A sci-fi "Black Hawk Down," Jonathan Liebsman's "Battle: Los Angeles" will satisfy any genre-movie buff jonesing for this generation's "Independence Day."

"[I]'s not about aliens: it's about us. This isn't science fiction: It's a bleak fantasy about karma being a bitch. It's about collective cultural guilt. Looking at from that angle, Battle: Los Angeles is fascinating."

"It's a gritty, tension-filled story of soldiers fighting their way through extraordinary circumstances. The characters feel like real people. Their struggles seem genuine. And Los Angeles is going up in flames."

Okay, that's the more outlandish ones to me (and to be honest, I couldn't go much further than 3 or 4 pages...the positive reviews were making me sick). Most of the reviews that were positive still mention how trite the story is, how generic the characters, how ridiculous the whole movie was...but they still endorse it. Herein lies the rub.

Why, why WHY are we endorsing this garbage if we're also noting how much it sucks? "Well, the characters are ass and the storyline could be written by an extremely mentally-challenged 4 year-old and the you can't see a blessed thing in any of the actions scenes and the alien design was horrific, but still see this movie." What! Why? Why are we endorsing this stuff when we know it's garbage? Why are we telling people to pay their money to see this atrocity when we know it's bad? Because here's the thing about people in the "civilized" world. They're mostly sheep. They go where people tell them to go, they do what people tell them to do and they see what people tell them to see. They're online, they're interested in seeing a movie, they don't know what's out, they read the Battle: Los Angeles reviews, they click on the wrong one and bang! Depending on how many are going, we could see 60 bucks down the drain.

Like right now, there's this big screaming from the fanboys because Darren Arofnofsky is off The Wolverine. They wanted him to make The Wolverine, but here's the thing: there's no guarantee he would have made a good Wolverine movie and there's no saying his replacement will make a good or bad Wolverine movie (unless it's Michael Bay, in which case you would know The Wolverine will suck), but they still beat their breasts and complain. You know what? Shut up. Shut your mouths. The guys saying Battle: Los Angeles is bad, but you should still see it, or worse the guys who are saying it's good and you should see it, shut your mouths, as well. Let's do the world a service and keep all the pie-holes on the internet shut for a change, instead of leaving it open as a toilet bowl for the turds.

You see, as a film fan, I feel it necessary to try and give honest opinions. I try and tell you why I like something, why I don't like something. Unfortunately, there's this cacophony of screaming from the cheap-seats, 15 year-old dateless wonders locked in their rooms and they're all posting on the JoBlo/Ain't It Cool/Latino Review/Arrow In the Head forums, just filling up the internet with all this garbage, all these critics who, I mean if you love Battle LA, you're either being paid or on drugs or something, especially if you're a film critic for crying out loud, whatever happened to liking good films? I mean demanding we get good films with solid storylines, great characters, action we can SEE, imaginative action choregraphy, worlds of the imagination, what happened to that? Why are we getting critics endorsing Battle LA? Why are the fanboys running things and being a-holes about it?

Because they're the ones posting on the blogs and the forums. They're the ones people are listening to. Their the audience that the studios are catering their films to. Never mind they don't really care about the films and either won't support them or will, but give you ridiculous reasons why they liked the films. Never mind that in the end, all these guys' opinions aren't worth a shovel of spit in a drainage pipe. They're the ones with the voices and they're the ones with the loud opinions.

Well, no more. This is The Fantom Zone and at least here, we won't get any of that stupidity. At least here, the fanboys and the idiot critics aren't welcome. The state of the union is sad indeed, but as long as this blog exists, there will be one sane voice on the internet. So to all the little girl fanboys who refused to support Scott Pilgrim and are crying that Aronofsky is off The Wolverine and to all the film critics who endorsed that steaming pile of donkey dung called Battle Los Angeles, just be warned that I'm here, in the dark, hating your guts and hoping for the day that someone will kick all your candy asses.

- Stephenstein

If you have to drive...

I did not see it in 3D, so don't ask me how the 3D is.

I did see it though and overall, it was pretty good. It was shot in the Grindhouse style and you can tell it was made to be a Grindhouse movie. There's shots of appendages being blown off, there's nudity, there's swearing, there's cars, it seems to be shot in a very "naturalistic" way, as far as the shots and what not, plus I read that's what they were going for.

As for the characters, Nic Cage is Nic Cage. Either you like him or you don't. I do and he turns in another solid performance here. I was surprised that he was actually a bad guy (as in he deserved to be in Hell), so none of that "he was really a good guy" sort of nonsense. Nic had a good part where he's having sex with this waitress fully-clothed and she asks him why he doesn't undress and he answers "I never disrobe before a gunfight". Just before a really big gunfight.

The Accountant was the best part of the movie, though.

Favourite line: Bad Guy: "I'm going to live forever". Accountant: "If forever you mean the next five seconds, then yes, you're going to live forever." This guy was just jokes, everything he did I thought was funny or neat. He just really seemed relaxed and those make for the best type of characters, as we all know.

As for Amber Heard, didn't care for her so much. She came across like trailer-park trash. I'm not even saying that's not what they were going for, but I buy the "hooker with a heart of gold" less and less these days. She just came across as this foul-mouthed bitch who will screw anyone for her own amusement or what she can get out of something. They redeem her at the end, but by then I'd checked out of the film.

There's not really much more to say. The story is standard (Cage is after the guys who mudered his daughter and kidnapped his grand-daughter), you can see the action so that's always a plus and there's some nice action pieces. Oh and for those of you who might be pumped up, Tom Atkins has a small role in the film!

Rating: 3 out of 5.

- Stephenstein

Europa.

To the makers of Battle LA

Europa the sixth moon of the planet Jupiter, and the smallest of its four Galilean satellites. Europa was discovered in 1610 by Galileo Galilei and named after a mythical noblewoman, Europa, who was courted by Zeus and became the queen of Crete.

Slightly smaller than Earth's Moon, Europa is primarily made of silicate rock and probably has an iron core. It has a tenuous atmosphere composed primarily of oxygen. Its surface is composed of ice and is one of the smoothest in the Solar System.

Read the rest on Wikipedia - thanks to the Running Man for that one.

J-Man.

BLA

Battle LA (aka BLA).

Bla is right. This may be the worst film ever made for the money it cost to make it. Nothing made any sense at all. The aliens want our water, because (and I quote) Liquid Water isn’t available anywhere else in the galaxy except for Earth. Water is what we call the liquid form of H2O – the solid form is called Ice. So Liquid Water doesn’t make sense. The aliens use water to power their ships – so how did they get to Earth if they didn’t have the water? Why didn’t they stop off at Jupiter – doesn’t one of its moon’s contain ice or something? I don’t wanna bother researching this, because I don’t care. This kind of movie is a “check your brain at the door.” Well it still sucked.

It was all shaky cam – so I couldn’t tell what was going on, also aliens came out of nowhere all the time. But when they find the command center then there are no aliens around. Where are these aliens? Where do they stay, sleep, eat or poop? And their vehicles are so badly designed, they make the AT-ATs seem plausible. Plus where do they keep these vehicles, where are the aliens damn it!

I could never tell where the enemy was! Not location like what street, but where in general - they are surrounding us, we are pinned down - ok, HOW??? Also because you cannot see the action, you cannot see the aliens. Their design is awful when do you see them for a second.

Tremors was a “check your brain at the door” movie and its brilliant! How about Aliens? That’s a masterpiece – and the marines in that movie are characters. You remember them because of who they are, not because a subtitle comes up with their name. So in any case the aliens keep on coming, and seem invulnerable to being shot.

They shoot the aliens like 100 times and then find out that their weak point is the right side of the chest – then all of a sudden they can kill them – well when they shot them 100 times before, didn’t any bullets hit their chest? Marines and cops shoot to kill – which is the chest area – go watch any cop show, or deadliest warrior for that tip. At one point 5 marines shoot an alien at point blank range at least 100 times and he doesn’t die – so I guess they were aiming for his feet?

Also the aliens have REMOTE Control ships – so why send ground troops at all? Nothing in this film made sense at any point in time and I couldn’t see the action, so I’m done. Aaron Eckhart was cool, so Ill give them that.

Skyline was an alien invasion flick that was fun and you could see the aliens and there was actually some neat suspense. This movie was just a piece of message loud garbage.

1/5

J-Man.

Only a Ninja can destroy a...

Ninja.

2009/2010 brought about 2 ninja movies – Ninja Assassin and Ninja. Assassin played in theatres so I saw it and reviewed it here. Ninja was straight to dvd and I finally got a chance to watch it.

This movie is very cheesy, like really stinking bad cheese. The evil Ninja uses poison to kill someone, but the good Ninja has a thousand year old Ninja sword that can bring life or death. So I thought he would use the magic sword to cure the poison – but no magic, there is a antidote in the handle of the sword. Okay – how did some guy from a 1000 years ago have the exact antidote needed? If all Ninja use the SAME poison, then why not just walk around with your own cure? Whatever, this is just one part of it. The lead is Scott Adkins – who I think is a real martial artist. I think that cause his acting is awful – actually he doesn’t do much so its hard to tell, BUT his fighting is GREAT!

The fights in this movie are bloody (bloody indeed) AMAZING! You can see all the fights and at times I was thinking that this guy and Michael Jai White should team up in a movie. Then I checked on IMDB and found that they already did! Scott is the villain from Undisputed 2 – that movie rocked! They should team up again!

The hits in this film were BRUTAL and I found myself screaming out BEATS on several occasions. This is a great movie to watch with your buddies and just have fun. I think that was their intent too. I mean the story is really cheese and super typical. Master is killed by former student and his American brother must take revenge and protect the sacred ninja weapons.

BTW there are only 2 ninja in the film and the villain is a hi-tech ninja – really cool! And the good guy is a classic ninja!

Really fun to watch and worth the 10 bucks I paid for it.

3/5

J-Man.

Dont Stop.

Unstoppable.

Denzel Washington and Chris Pine star in this “true story” of a unmanned train on the loose. The way the train gets loose is pretty retarded. Some idiot gets out of the train after disconnecting the air brakes and putting it into gear. I mean if this guy is a constant screw up then why would they give him a train that has dangerous chemicals on it? Plus he is fat (played by the guy who played Randy on My Name is Earl) so when the train gets loose he cannot run fast enough to catch up! So the train is basically a bullet/missile racing down the tracks. If it falls over it will explode and everyone in the world will be blown to bits (ok, not everyone, just a small town).

Well you gotta call in Denzel to TCB and Chris Pine tags along for the ride. What I liked about this one was that Denzel didn’t get to the train for a bit. There was some nice character stuff in the beginning and I liked all the talk about how young guys come into companies and how loyal employees get forced out to make room for them. The young guy is Pine and Denzel is the veteran who is being forced to retire so that some young punk can take his place. But from Pine’s point of view, he is just taking a job that he needs. Whatever, it’s a small part of the movie, but I thought it was cool.

The action sequences are pretty amazing I must say. The train is just crazy and it’s believable enough to actually create some suspense. You know what’s gonna happen of course, but getting there is the fun.

Good popcorn movie.

3.5/5

J-Man.

Part Woman. Part Robot. All Geisha.

Robo-Geisha

This is from the guy who brought you Tokyo Gore Police and Machine Girl (or sometimes Machine-Gun Girl). His latest feature is Frankenstein Girl VS Vampire Girl. The titles alone are enough to justify buying these gems on DVD. Depending on who you are this film (Robo-Geisha) is either a zero star movie or a five star movie. For me personally, it’s five!

RG’s plot is ludicrous, something about 2 sisters who hate each other, then love each other then hate again then they compete for who has more robotic parts. Yoshi gets blades that come out of her armpits, her evil sister gets boob-guns and then there are these women goblins that wear these odd phallic masks. I don’t know.

I don’t even know how to describe this movie to you. You just have to watch it and love it! The goblin girls shoot ninja stars out of their butts and toxic breast milk! Also, a giant pagoda comes to life as a robot and destroys buildings. When it crushes them they bleed. Yes the buildings BLEED!

Where else you gonna see that?

5/5

J-Man.

Exterminator Caine.

Harry Brown.

So Michael Caine is Harry Brown – a retired Marine who is sick of the crappy place where he lives. Youth gangs terrorize people and they even killed his best friend for no reason other than he was an old man.

These revenge/vigilante movies are always a favourite of mine and this one is really neat cause it has Michael Caine. Others of this genre include: Death Sentence, Exterminator 1&2, Vigilante, Taken, The Last House on the Left, Death Wish, Punisher, Brave One, Law Abiding Citizen and the list goes on, but the one constant is that this movie, like the rest, really made me hate the villains. The only trouble is that because this film is done in a more realistic style, the villains don’t get the punishment they deserve.

Sure they all die, but I wanna see them suffer! Something like The Last House on the Left style, or maybe Devil’s Rejects. Anyway this was still an effective movie that really got to me. Where is Rorschach when you need him?

3.5/5

J-Man.

Get a friend.

The Social Network.

I’m gonna review this based on a it being a movie. The fact that I don’t care about Facebook wont really factor in. I will take this for what it is.

Based on that I have to say it was a good movie. Not fantastic or anything, simply because I am more interested in drama films that deal with stronger issues than one millionaire screwing another etc. But this was a good watch and I liked the acting, and the feel of it.

I don’t remember any of the names in it, and I don’t care enough to look it up, but there’s the Zucker-something guy who made Facebook, the Twins – who are saying he stole their idea and Zuckers buddy Edwardo, oh and there’s the guy who made Napster too. So basically the movie takes place during 2 lawsuits. The twins are suing Zucker and so is Eddy. During these lawsuits we are getting flashbacks of how it all went down.

I actually don’t believe that zucker stole the idea. The concept the twins came up with is a Harvard social network for the students. Zucker just took the idea further. He needs money so he gets his buddy Edwardo to contribute. They launch facebook after 40 days or something and then the twins are all pissed off, but do nothing. Then it becomes big, thanks to help from the Napster guy (who has connections) and then the twins sue. But during that time, zucker and napster guy screw over eddy because of some reason or another – something about he froze the accounts for a day or he got into a club that zucker didnt – I understand it (but don’t agree with it) and it’s too long to explain. I didn’t much like them screwing over eddy cause he was there from day one. And that Zucker guy is just a loser who wanted friends and be popular so he created facebook. Too bad he was a total jerk throughout his life. But you know something – that made it entertaining!

Remember folks these guys go to HARVARD! They are RICH, the twins settled for 65 million dollars and they are on the Olympic team and their dad is super rich, and that edwardo who we all cried over was also rich and probably got even more money from it. So lets not all get our tissues and start crying over it. This is entertainment and that zucker guy being a dick was HILARIOUS! Every time he opened his mouth it was funny! I mean this is millionaires screwing each other – who cares! It’s not like zucker screwed over some poor guy who is now homeless because he stole his facebook idea!

The movie also works cause David Fincher (the director who made Alien3, Seven, Panic Room etc) knows how to make this story interesting. Lets face it, people screwing over others for ideas isn’t anything new at all, but Fincher’s direction keeps it interesting for the 2 hours you watch. The music is also really good (done by Oscar winner Trent Reznor from Nine Inch Nails).


3.5/5

J-Man.